Gravel Campaign Powers Ahead


The 2008 Presidential election campaign of former Alaska senator Maurice Robert “Mike” Gravel powered forward this week, astonishing even the most experienced pundits. News media organizations from all over the nation swarmed to the Gravel campaign headquarters located in the second floor common room in Morrison Hall on the University of Alaska Anchorage campus. Reporters from prestigious newspapers such as the Northeast Madison County Times and Fairbanks High School Explorer were pulling hair and scratching eyes in order to get the best position to hear new poll numbers from the Gravel campaign’s press secretary and part-time massage therapist, Joan Shiller.
“People told us again and again it couldn’t be done,” said Shiller. “But our quiet, positive campaign to bring power back to the American people has begun to pick up steam. Over the past few weeks, our support among normal Americans has doubled from 4,000 to 8,000 registered voters likely to cast their ballot in favor of Senator Gravel. We have also raised nearly 200 dollars from various donors all over country, and, unlike most other candidates, none of that sum has come from special interest groups. I know it’s hard to believe in this day and age, but it is true nonetheless.”
When Hank Erickson, reporter for the Hank Erickson’s Thoughts website and auto mechanic, asked Shiller for her thoughts as to why the campaign is beginning to gain traction, her answer was clear. “We really believe the ‘viral video’ on the Internet of Senator Gravel staring at the camera for over a minute, throwing a rock into a lake and then walking away without saying a single word has had an impact on the electorate. They are connecting with the metaphor for how Americans need to cause ripples in society. Also, the Senator’s historic references to the fact that the ancient Spartan culture encouraged homosexuality among its warriors have allowed us to capture some of the gay vote.”
Another reporter, who refused to identify himself for fear he would be tortured by his alien masters, asked how the campaign possibly hoped to compete against the likes of Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama with the support of only a few thousand voters nationwide, compared to their millions. “Of course it is a challenge,” responded Mrs. Shiller. “However, if you’ll notice, our support has doubled in only one month. The Senator often reminds us of the ancient story of the prince who agreed to give his vizier a single grain of wheat and double it for every square of a chessboard. By the time the prince reached the end, he had to give the vizier over 18 quintillion pieces of grain. That’s the amazing power of compounding!”
When the reporter took the tin foil hat off of his head and ruminated that the campaign only had 4 months left, which is not anywhere near the 64 spaces on a chessboard, and, even if support did indeed double in each of those four months, it would only amount to 128,000 people (or less than one percent of the electorate), Shiller became irate. She folded up her portable lecturer and immediately ended the press conference. Although many reporters were disappointed, the students in the dorm were relieved to get their room back before movie night began

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