Cheney Doctrine Adds To Sunshine Skyway Lure

“My family and I are deeply sorry for everything Vice President Cheney and his family have had to deal with,” said Harry Whittington, after the Veep shot him in the face.
But Dick Cheney’s latest victim has refused to apologize, after the Vice President’s theories took her to the top of the Sunshine Skyway Bridge with the intention of taking her own life. In fact, Wanda Yumpov, of St. Petersburg, FL, has stated that Cheney and his One Percent Doctrine are a lot more deadly than the old man and his gun.
Yumpov, a Political Science graduate and former GOP supporter, studied the Cheney One Percent Doctrine – the clever idea that got the US into Iraq.
The doctrine states that, if there is a one percent chance of something dangerous being true, one should treat it as a certainty.
Lush For Life has obtained a copy of Wanda’s journal in the week that led up to her attempted suicide:
Monday: I adopted defensive driving tactics this morning, also used hazard lights and leaned on my horn all the way to work. The doctrine is clearly true as there were four wrecks around me on my commute.
John, the new guy in Accounting, had chest discomfort and breathlessness. I work two desks away in Marketing, and called 911. John soon returned from the hospital, in a very bad mood. Something about this being his first job, and only having benefits after 90 days, and his tuition debt. He made me pay for the taxi. It’s not my fault if he gulps pizza before running upstairs. I know the symptoms of a heart attack.
Tuesday: My new driving style got me to work in one piece, but I actually witnessed several traffics accidents. Thank God for the One Percent Doctrine.
It was my nephew’s birthday, so at lunch-time, I went to my his daycare facility and installed three web cams and a server, so that my sister can ensure that he is not abused.
People don’t understand statistics. We’d hardly finished dinner when my sister and her husband returned the equipment, yelling that they’d nearly lost the best daycare they ever had for their child, and to keep my paranoid nose out of their lives.
Wednesday: Two tow-trucks from some body-shop were parked near my house this morning and followed me onto the interstate. Weird. They dropped off after a while as there were a couple of accidents. Talk about being in the right place at the right time!
I began the day by sending an email to the Chairman. Marketing is next to Accounting, and their manager works very odd hours. They say she never takes vacations and her lifestyle is inconsistent with an employee’s salary. A Ferrari? Yeah right, And I saw her doing the CEO in the parking lot. I took a photo with my phone and attached it to the email.
She walked me to my car herself after they fired me. So the Chairman founded the company and she’s his daughter. She and the CEO have a new grandchild and she showed me a picture. I explained the Cheney doctrine, but she said it was moronic. She must be a Democrat.
I went to my boyfriend’s office to cry on his shoulder, and there was this gorgeous girl with him. Sitting in his office. When he talks about work, he often mentions Sam. Working with Sam. Lunch with Sam. It’s frigging Samantha. There must be at least a 50% chance that they’re getting it on together. The whole company came out to watch the scene.
Thursday: No job. No boyfriend. My sister does not answer when I call. Three tow trucks parked outside. The news is just Iraq.
Friday: I accepted a new job with the Bill Richardson presidential campaign. You’re allowed your phone while under observation, and my sister emailed my resume. That bastard Cheney nearly got me, but the guy who talked me down from the bridge is so cute. And single. And a Democrat…

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