Candidates Release Medical Treatment Records


Continuing an obsession with secrecy seldom seen outside of the wards of mental institutions, the Bush administration revealed recently that the President underwent treatment for Lyme disease last year. Lyme disease is transmitted primarily by ticks and, apparently, Bush receives many tick bites during his normal bike rides, confirming that even his popularity rating among the insects has reached all-time lows.
The disease also has been associated with neuropsychiatric symptoms, including depersonalization, hallucinations, and panic attacks in its later stages. Doctors claim they successfully treated Bush’s disease in its early stages, well before any such symptoms could have arisen. However, since depersonalization is often defined as a lack of connection with reality, some questions do exist as to whether it is the symptom of a recalcitrant Lyme disease influencing Bush’s Iraq policy, although, other than in the hazed minds of Lush for Life reporters, no solid evidence has emerged to support this notion.
In light of this recent news out of the White House, all major candidates in the 2008 Presidential Race have released medical treatment records from the past few years. While most treatments received by the various candidates were benign, some of them were quite shocking.
Democratic contender Barrack Obama was perhaps the least interesting of all. He did not have any notable treatments for severe conditions. He did, however, have more than twenty prostate examinations in the past three years. Considering the average male of his age only needs one exam per year, and none of the examinations diagnosed him with any conditions, the announcement was a bit curious. The Obama campaign said, “Mr. Obama would just rather be safe than sorry.” But Obama did leave open some questions when he stated, “Who doesn’t enjoy a good prostate exam?”
Former Republican Governor Mitt Romney underwent treatment for severe sunburn on three separate occasions. Apparently, the sunburns resulted after he fell asleep using his home tanning bed. Romney is a heavy sleeper, so his regular alarm sometimes fails to wake him. The Romney campaign assured voters that a much louder alarm has been installed and that the sunburns will no longer be a problem.
John Edwards, the poster boy for the far-left of the Democratic Party, revealed that he had underwent no fewer than three separate Botox treatments and five chemical peels. This announcement, along with the scandal surrounding his $400 haircut, may serve to sink his campaign even further.
Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton’s records looked relatively normal. The one aberration occurred on August 19, 2004. The former first lady was admitted to the emergency room at approximately 11:30 that night and treated for a broken arm and black eye. She refused to comment on the treatments, but a campaign insider leaked that it was husband Bill Clinton’s birthday and Mrs. Clinton had forgotten the “safety word.”
Republican Senator John McCain’s recent misfortunes seem certain to be compounded by the announcement of his records. Apparently, the aged senator died from cardiac arrest about five months ago. The next day, he was medically reanimated [Now illegal, see Cover Story – Ed.]. While the campaign assured reporters this would have no bearing on his ability to perform Presidential duties, voters might not agree.
Finally, and most shocking of all, Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo revealed he has been undergoing extensive treatment for a variety of psychological conditions. Among the worst, the left-front quadrant of Tancredo’s brain has been medically certified as pure evil. While the other three quadrants have fought off the infection with some success, and doctors claim the anti-Satan injections directly into his spinal cord are working, the longevity of such experimental treatments is far from certain. The Tancredo campaign said the infection was a result of “illegal immigration” and vowed, for some illogical reason, to bomb the Islamic holy cities of Mecca and Medina as revenge.

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