Bush To Halt Freedoms For National Security

WASHINGTON – “They hate our freedoms – our freedom of religion, our freedom of speech, our freedom to vote and assemble and disagree with each other.” Those were the famous words of our great leader, George W. Bush in his 2001 joint session of Congress. With the threat of terrorism around the world steadily rising, the White House has now decided that it is finally time to act on this philosophy to put an end to attacks on American interests. The new policy was disclosed yesterday when Senior White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow, described the well thought out plan:
“Since September 11th, we, the American people, have been living in fear of crazed Islamo-Fascists, homosexuals, illegal immigrants, liberals, scientists and other barbaric, Godless haters of Freedom, but now the time has come to fight back. With the ongoing war on terror in Iraq and Afghanistan going so well, we now think that it is time to start attacking the underlying causes of terrorism – namely, our freedoms.”
When Snow was asked to clarify, he explained, “Well, the reason they hate us is ‘cause of our freedoms, right? So, we figured that if we want them to stop fighting us, we need to get rid of those freedoms they hate so much. We’ve been trying this is small ‘test doses,’ such as the Patriot Act, wiretapping, secret prison camps, and all that other good stuff. But it doesn’t seem to be slowing them down over there – where we’re fighting them so we don’t have to fight them here.” When the malicious laughter from the liberal media died down, and the yells of “Get a new script, Tony!” and the cruel “You’re playing the tape, jackass!” subsided, Snow scuttled out of the pressroom, quietly weeping.
The full details of the plan were given to the media in delightful “My Little Pony and Friends” dockets bound with pink lace ribbons that Condoleezza Rice put together all by herself. This reporter obtained one the aforementioned dockets and I was pleasantly surprised. Inside the document was a pop-up book picture of the Whitehouse with President Bush and Mr. Dick Cheney, arm in arm, with a pull-tab to make them wave.
The book told the story of bad men from a far away land that hated everyone in a magical place called the United States of Goodness. These evil men wanted to destroy the happy people of the USG because they were jealous of how free and happy everyone was. But the king of this fairyland was a clever Cowboy King called George! He came up with a clever plan to stop those bad, bad men from coming to the USG and eating Goodness’ babies and spreading evil magic and promoting homosexuality. King George told everyone that he was going to pretend to take away all their freedoms and then the bad, bad men wouldn’t want to come and hurt them. Then Good King George would give all their freedoms back and they would all have a great big party with all the candy and wax lips they could ever want.
After that came a budget proposal for the necessary changes of converting all tax-exempt places of worship into Southern Baptist (hallelujah) churches. This was followed by the proposed constitutional changes to revoke the first amendment, considering that it states that “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances,” and once it is scrapped, it gets rid of three of the five problems the terrorists have with us.
Next, for no apparent reason, but infinitely charming, was a picture of a rainbow in a blue sky with a beautiful unicorn frolicking over daisy-covered plains.
On page 12, a stunning flow chart displayed the order in which government regulatory agencies would be shut down and how future elections would be suspended until the bad men went away. Page 14 showed a delightful illustration of a chocolate-flavored “Village of Smiles”, where Democrats and other detesters of freedom could be rehabilitated or thrown into cute, pink, polka-dot-lined mass graves. Finally, a list of acceptable ideas and beliefs was attached as a five-page appendix and a handsome gift bookmark of a leather crucifix with “Jesus would want us to win” embossed in gold on the cross.
Although there is some skepticism in the Bush Administration’s ability to carry out the full extent of the plan, many Washington insiders believe that if there is one thing this administration has experience in, it’s taking away freedom.



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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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