Not a Vick-tim… In a statement made by NAACP President Dennis Courtland Hayes on Thursday, Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick “is not a victim,” and “should be held accountable.” Hayes also said Vick should be welcomed back to the Falcons and the community after his prison sentence is completed. As far as L4L is concerned, Michael Vick should never play another down of football, even if he is black and has a civil rights group backing him. Just imagine what the response would be if Brett Favre killed a bunch of dogs… Continue Reading

NEW YORK – As the forthcoming NFL football season approaches, professional football junkies, fantasy league participants, gambling degenerates, and stats fiends have found themselves in a belligerent frenzy for kickoff weekend spreads, and have become waiting sponges for info on third-string flier backups and their stat lines in all-night ESPN viewing binges. With so much speculation surrounding every team, division, and conference every year, Lush For Life has decided to lend a helping hand to all of those for whom this applies (this writer being one), as we have gone out of our way to detail how the looming season will unfold. Keep this article in your draft kits, fantasy footballers… and to those who don’t participate in such trivial, nonsensical indulgences, simply read and enjoy. Continue Reading

A recent poll by the American Research Group found that 45% of Americans want President George “Dubya” Bush to face impeachment, and 54% think that Cheney should be kicked out of office. Bruce Fein, the guy who wrote the first article of impeachment for Clinton and a dyed-in-the-wool conservative Republican, is now volunteering to write the articles for Bush and Cheney. Now, you may ask, “In the words of the Virgin Mary: Come again? A Republican conservative calling for the impeachment of the president?” That’s right! In fact, Fein said that Bush’s crimes are much worse than Clinton’s. On a Bill Moyers special in mid July, Mr. Fein said:

“[Bush] is seeking more institutionally to cripple checks and balances and the authority of Congress and the judiciary to superintend his assertions of power. He has claimed the authority to tell Congress they don’t have any right to know what he’s doing with relation to spying on American citizens, using that information in any way that he wants in contradiction to a federal statute called the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act. He’s claimed authority to say he can kidnap people, throw them into dungeons abroad, [and] dump them out into Siberia without any political or legal accountability. These are standards that are totally anathema to a democratic society devoted to the rule of law.”

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The 2008 Presidential election campaign of former Alaska senator Maurice Robert “Mike” Gravel powered forward this week, astonishing even the most experienced pundits. News media organizations from all over the nation swarmed to the Gravel campaign headquarters located in the second floor common room in Morrison Hall on the University of Alaska Anchorage campus. Reporters from prestigious newspapers such as the Northeast Madison County Times and Fairbanks High School Explorer were pulling hair and scratching eyes in order to get the best position to hear new poll numbers from the Gravel campaign’s press secretary and part-time massage therapist, Joan Shiller. Continue Reading

Continuing an obsession with secrecy seldom seen outside of the wards of mental institutions, the Bush administration revealed recently that the President underwent treatment for Lyme disease last year. Lyme disease is transmitted primarily by ticks and, apparently, Bush receives many tick bites during his normal bike rides, confirming that even his popularity rating among the insects has reached all-time lows.
The disease also has been associated with neuropsychiatric symptoms, including depersonalization, hallucinations, and panic attacks in its later stages. Doctors claim they successfully treated Bush’s disease in its early stages, well before any such symptoms could have arisen. However, since depersonalization is often defined as a lack of connection with reality, some questions do exist as to whether it is the symptom of a recalcitrant Lyme disease influencing Bush’s Iraq policy, although, other than in the hazed minds of Lush for Life reporters, no solid evidence has emerged to support this notion. Continue Reading

I was hiding from the Editor in the basement stairwell, when he appeared beside me and started eating the sub I was saving for lunch. “Gale,” he said in that gentle voice we all hate more than his roar. “I want a story about the people who still support Bush.”
I breathed a sigh of relief, but he can read minds. “No! No retired Marine colonels or bugger-you-I’ve-got-mine-now-don’t-raise-my-taxes suburbanites. It’s summer. Take a nice road trip. The base in the heartland… that sort of thing. We know our local morons; let’s put a face on the rest of them. L4L’ll pay a carbon offset for your gas.” Continue Reading

It has been a month now since the dust settled after the final, frantic charge of millions to get their clammy hands on the concluding installment of the bifocaled boy-wizard’s adventures. As the last of the particularly slow readers lay down Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the realization that life has been forever changed slaps the bepimpled Potter fans across the face like the hand of a spurned transvestite.
The multitudes of fans that have relied on J.K. Rowling’s series for so long are currently in a state of bewilderment. This generation of socially inept virgins, with a young-adult reading level, and a preoccupation with fantasy novels and Magic the Gathering, has become a prevalent and worrying issue. Continue Reading

“My family and I are deeply sorry for everything Vice President Cheney and his family have had to deal with,” said Harry Whittington, after the Veep shot him in the face.
But Dick Cheney’s latest victim has refused to apologize, after the Vice President’s theories took her to the top of the Sunshine Skyway Bridge with the intention of taking her own life. In fact, Wanda Yumpov, of St. Petersburg, FL, has stated that Cheney and his One Percent Doctrine are a lot more deadly than the old man and his gun. Continue Reading

The Editor went roaring though the Lush For Life offices looking for an unoccupied writer. I panicked. I don’t know why I hide under my desk, because it’s the first place he looks.
“Did you see the Bill Maher stand-up special?” he demanded. “He was saying that Americans believe that we are the ‘best country in the world’ and that’s like guys who think they have the best wife in the world. He asked ‘How would you know?’ Find out whether we are the best country in the world, and if so, how we know this!” Continue Reading

Making Gaines with spoiled Rice… The Tampa Bay Buccaneers made another questionable roster move last week, presumably to further entrench themselves as the most poorly run organization in the entire NFL, releasing perennial Pro-Bowl defensive end Simeon Rice, reportedly due to a failed physical upon arriving at training camp in Lake Buena Vista, FL. The move comes following the signing of first-round pick D-lineman Gaines Adams, who is considered the eventual successor to Rice’s pass-rushing position. Though Rice was coming off shoulder surgery which ended his season last year in week 9, and the team was aware Rice’s rehabilitation was likely going to spill into training camp, the Bucs still released him due to his health. Continue Reading