Toothpaste Seizure Averts Tragedy


San Francisco – Tragedy was averted Thursday when a quick-thinking Transportation Security Administration screening officer spotted and impounded a 12 ounce tube of Aquafresh brand fluoride toothpaste before it could be carried on board an American Airlines flight to Dallas.
Jon McCartney, 26, modestly denies that he is a hero. “I just did what anyone would do in that situation,” he said. “I blindly followed directives handed down from above. My anti-terror training leaves very little room for anything else.”

The tube was first spotted during routine preflight security screening. According to Department of Fatherland Security guidelines released late last year, all liquids and gels brought on airplanes must be in containers of three ounces or less. “The size of a container of liquid or gel is a measure of security. See, it says so right on the glossy card,” McCartney said.

Though passenger Ron Thompson “did present an obvious threat” to the aircraft’s security by approaching the secure area with contraband, McCartney judged Thompson’s mistake innocent and permitted him to board the aircraft following a stern warning.

“That toothpaste was pretty clearly more than three ounces,” McCartney said. “So I did what I had to do.” The offending dentifrice was removed from Thompson’s luggage and deposited in a 30-gallon Hefty Cinch-Sack brand Hazardous Security Materials Collection Aggregator for later disposal according to top-secret procedures. A source, who wishes to remain anonymous as he is not officially permitted to talk to the press, would only say that, in general terms, the disposal process involves a large green cube made of sheet metal but with one hinged rubber face, raising more questions than he answered.

Reached for comment at his New York office, Thompson approved of the TSA’s handling of the situation. “As a frequent business traveler, it would be economically devastating for me if I was somehow denied the opportunity to board completely safe aircraft for the business trips that I need to take nearly every week. So I would just like to state unequivocally that I fully support all actions and/or procedures required by our government.”
TSA public relations drone Alan Lacherling would not go into detail on the rationale behind specific anti-terror measures, citing operational security requirements. “But I can assure you that top experts are working every day to stay one step ahead of our enemies, the terrorists, always twirling! twirling! twirling! towards freedom,” he said.

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Hoping to create the world's first perfect FemBot, Mr. Payne achieved his Master's degrees in Artificial Intelligence and Linguistics. After the government pulled his funding, he took a position as a part time correspondent with Lush For Life. He continues to travel the globe, establishing numerous contacts for microchips and silicon enhancements on all seven continents.

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