Supreme Court Shuts Down


WASHINGTON – Last Thursday, the Roberts Court handed down a landmark decision that effectively quashed the desegregation plans of hundreds of public school systems all across the United States. Writing for the majority opinion, Chief Justice John Roberts said that race should not be used in anyway, either for positive or negative outcomes, as a factor in determining whether or not to grant specific pupils admissions to specific schools. In some of the most prescient language to come from the bench in years, he wrote that, “[t]he way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discriminating on the basis of race.”

Many legal analysts view this opinion as at least partially undoing the landmark Brown v. Board of Education that led to the desegregation of public schools in the United States. In that case, then-Chief Justice Thurgood Marshall secured a unanimous opinion in which the court ruled that “separate but equal is inherently unequal.” These words paved the way for desegregation of all public services throughout the country.

In stark contrast to the concern among many scholarly-minded people, conservatives celebrated the court ruling with the same enthusiasm as a fat kid celebrates his trips to McDonald’s. They claim that President George W. Bush’s true legacy will be his impact on the court, never mind the thousands of people who have died in Iraq. In an effort to explain this dichotomy to the public, Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan took the muzzle off of Anne Coulter so that she could say, “It’s quite simple. Bill Clinton created a culture of lying, and that is why the Iraqis feel it is OK to lie about their ability to meet benchmarks. That is why George Bush’s godlike policy in Iraq is failing, and, of course, we can only focus on successes.”
However, the controversy surrounding this racial balancing ruling has overshadowed a much more important ruling handed down by the court this week. Furthering the conservative court’s cavalier disregard for precedent, it released a ruling that overturned the famous Marbury v. Madison and effectively shut itself down.

For those readers who may be unfamiliar with the landmark 1803 Marbury v. Madison, it was the case in which the Supreme Court ruled that it had the ability to review federal statutes. Without this power, the court would be unable to, among other things, rule bills passed by Congress and the Executive as unconstitutional.

Here again, conservatives were elated while most other people felt the need to weep openly in the street. “We all know the root of all evil is the power of the court itself,” Coulter continued as her eyes turned a fiery red color. “With the court still possessing the power to rule bills as unconstitutional, we cannot be safe from those godless liberals and abortionists. After all, the time could come when the Clintons figure out how to cheat their way back into office again, allowing them to pack the court with a bunch of idiots who would agree with their godless liberalism.”
President Bush, being key in the nominations that resulted in this ruling, was quick to highlight some other positives that Coulter missed during her tirade. “With the Supreme Court weakened so much, it will no longer need such a large building on a prime piece of D.C. real-estate. We can help to eliminate the deficit by selling off that property and moving the justices to into a converted two bedroom Alexandria condo, where they can continue their, er, umm, uhhh, work.”

Lush for Life has not yet formulated an opinion on this revolutionary case. On the downside, a branch of government that helps provide oversight over the other branches has been severely weakened, and that is going to give more unfettered power to both the President and Congress. On the upside, we no longer have to look at shemale Ruth Bader Ginsberg (although we still think she’s a good person).

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