Religious Approach To Road Transportation


The Vatican has examined road use and misuse, and found mankind in need of new guidance in this area.
Lush For Life convened a focus group of AAs (Average Americans) to debate the Vatican’s “Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road”, and found that they think the bar has been set a bit high.
After a rousing debate about the new commandment, “Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin,” L4L began a national search for standards that AAs can agree on. The results are as follows:
1. Thou shalt not consider use of a car for personal glorification, but employing one to impress hot (wo)men, or to put one over uppity colleagues or irritating neighbors can be considered part of stimulating the economy.
2. Try not to covet thy neighbor’s hot vehicle, but if it is a hybrid, and thou art a conservationist, this might be okay.
3. Thou shalt not fornicate in a car, unless related to a needy chiropractor, or if thou honesty cannot afford a motel. Even then, thou shalt wisely check that the other party is not in a committed relationship (with someone else), and shalt follow safe sex practices.
4. Thou shalt obey speed limits within reason, unless thou didst really and truly leave early for class, and hast not lied about being “late for the meeting because of the traffic” in the last two weeks.
5. Thou shalt not splash pedestrians with water, mud, etc. This, if deliberate, is a threat to thine immortal soul. The fact that thou was talking on thy cell phone or listening to the game is no excuse.
6. The road shall be unto thee a channel of communication and courtesy. Thus shalt thou consider indicating before swerving into the lane one yard ahead of thy fellow motorist, wait more than a nanosecond before leaning on thy horn when a traffic light turns green, and even refrain from tailgating anyone driving less than twenty miles over the speed limit.
7. Thou shalt not have fantasies about thy door flying open as thou passes racing bikers with tight buns. If thou wentest to gym regularly, thou wouldst have tight buns, too.
8. Thou shalt not fear stopping to help at an accident. It is entirely possible, even in this litigious society, that the victims wilst not sue thee.
9. Wine makest glad the heart of man (Ps 104, v15) but save it for when thou art not behind the wheel. The carts were a lot slower in those days, so update thy mentality and don’t drive under the influence of more than two beers.
10. If thou drivest over the speed limit, thou deservest a citation and traffic school and points on thine insurance, if thou art stupid enough to be caught.
11. When thy friends have looked upon the wine when it is red, take thou their keys with kindness, and do not make them to lie down upon thy bathroom floor for long periods in their own puke. Next time it might be thee.
12. Thou shalt not swear at the blue-hairs, nor the shrunken little old ones who cannot see over their steering wheels, despite sitting on pillows. Surely such expletives will follow thee in the last days of thine own life, when thou too shalt be old, and shall clog the highways and intersections with thy 1978 mint-condition Ford.

The Mitt Romney Codicil
Thou shalt not strap any living being, human or animal, on top of thy car for 12-hour road trips. Torture is reserved for the Vice President and the Attorney General and their minions.

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