Jesus’ Son Beaten With Ugly Stick


OXFORD, ENGLAND – Through the historical modern-classic, The DaVinci Code, society discovered that Jesus the Christ and Mary Magdalene had a child – the Holy Grail – and the bloodline was passed down, protected by the Knights Templar. But scrolls found in Iran have shed new light on the descendants of Jesus of Nazareth.

What is being called The Gospel of Jori is the account of the birth and life of the Holy Grail, or Jori, the son of Mary Magdalene and Jesus of Nazareth.
The rough translation that is being worked on by the world’s leading biblical scholars begins: “And low, the baby was an ugly little bastard, roughly the size of a small rodent. And Mary did cry, and the angels did cringe, and the wise-men did taketh back their gifts.”
As the narrative of the life of the son of the Son of God continues, we discover that Jori lacked his father’s charisma and can-do attitude, as well as his social skills. A piece of text shown to us tells of the child’s adolescence: “He was an awkward, wet-blankety lad, knobbed at the knee, boney at the wrists, unattractive in… general. And when he did stroll onto the playground, he said unto them, ‘May I kick thou ball?’, and they did reply, ‘May thou piss off?”

Dr. David Lodophas, who is heading up the translation process, and who is a leading academic in the field of the Holy Grail and the Knights Templar, commented on the end of the Gospel: “We have not completed the translation, as it is a long and complex process because we do not want to misinterpret the meaning of the text, but from what we can tell, the bloodline of Jesus the Christ ended with his son. It seems that Jori was, to put it delicately, not interested in the ladies, and therefore, did not have children. We suspect that his ‘life partner’ later commissioned the writing of the Gospel.”

The 40-page text was discovered in a barn, where it was being used as insulation for a family’s pet donkey’s stable. The family did not receive any compensation for the priceless document, but the donkey was given a new blanket and some replacement newspaper.

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