iPhone To Fuel Steve Jobs’ Brain Machine


CUPERTINO, CA – It’s here! The iPhone has hit the shelves like a heroin-starved junkie hitting a methadone buffet. The Mac addicts are out in force, lining up in front of Apple stores all around the country, scaring women and children with their long hair, freethinking ideas, and dorky t-shirts. Lush For Life, being an Apple-only organization, was eager to get our hands on one of the highly anticipated smart phones, and succeeded (read our review on page X), but also to find out what really makes the iPhone so special.

In a telephone interview with an Apple insider, Lush For Life learned that the iPhone has many more features that have not yet been activated, but will be in subsequent updates. Intrigued, we shipped the beautiful device to the Lush For Life labs to see what’s on the inside of this beauty. What we discovered was shocking and disturbing. It appears that the iPhone has an incredibly small set of magnetic detection coils bathed in liquid helium located near the speaker of the phone and a superconducting quantum interference device (or SQUID) near the microphone. For those of you not up to date with the latest in neuroscientific equipment, the two devices, if used in tandem, have the power to read brainwaves! Coupled with the iPhone’s incredible processing power and communications systems, the device has the capability to use and transmit brainpower over massive distances!
This shocking discovery can only mean one thing: Steve Jobs is stealing your unused brainpower. Sitting in a dark room, somewhere in the basement of One Infinite Loop (Apple Computers’ Headquarters), hooked up to a mass of cables and computer equipment and drooling on himself is Steve Jobs, eating the excess brainpower of thousands of hapless iPhone users. Rob Johnson, Lush For Life’s resident technologist and neuroscience expert, explained the ramifications, “You see, the phone will use the idle brain power not being used by the owner of the device. This will be extremely easy, as people spend most of their time on the phone engaged in pointless, mindless babble and conversations about shoes. This would enable Jobs to utilize their minds’ processing power for his own evil purposes. It’s kinda like a SETI@Home project for the brain, but rather than searching for extra-terrestrial life, it will be completely at Jobs’ disposal.”

Horrified by this discovery, Lush For Life contacted Apple Computers to give them a chance to comment, however they would only tell us that our warrantee was now null and void that we had opened the device without the assistance of an Apple Genius Technician.

That demanded some deep investigative reporting to uncover Jobs’ truly sinister plan. We searched Wikipedia and discovered that Jobs’ once claimed that doing LSD was one of the most “important experiences of [his] life.” This helps to explain many of the amazingly creative ideas that have come out of Apple in the last 25 years. However, it appears that Jobs, on a twenty-six hour acid binge in 1978, broke through to an over-arching, universal consciousness, giving him god-like powers for the duration of the trip. Ever since, Jobs has been striving to reclaim those powers, but has been too afraid to take more LSD, fearing that he might become a babbling homeless schizophrenic. As a result, he has tried everything from extreme fasting and intense meditation to sensory depravation, but has failed to come close to the omnipotent power he once experienced in 1978.

“The only way a human being could completely tap into the universal power of the collective consciousness would be to harness the power of thousands of minds,” said Ho Chi Rocks of the Alan Watts Institute of Higher Studies in Massachusetts. “I think Jobs has finally gone over the deep end. Power like that will only lead to more and more amazing Apple devices for us to waste our hard-earned dollars on and further add to our already over-consumptive society.”

Whatever it is that Steve Jobs plans to do with all this power is unknown, however speculation abounds that he is using it to add thousands of bugs and security flaws to the new Microsoft Windows Vista. Please, for the sake of the planet, throw your iPhone away… or, better yet, send them to Lush For Life headquarters so that we can safely dispose of them on eBay – I mean, in a giant furnace.

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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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