Happy Birthday, USA!

4th of July
It’s that glorious time of the year again! Our Nation’s birthday is here and boy, could it use some cheering up. Maybe a present or two – nothing fancy; just some peace pipes, tea cups, sauerkraut, potatoes, and some little wooden shoes (she’s multi-cultural). Yup, grab that American brew, toast the Founding Fathers, praise the Constitution, and celebrate liberty and freedom for all. Ooh! And hot-dog eating contests! Those are my favorite.

Unfortunately, this year, it looks like the World hot dog eating champion Takeru Kobayashi is not going to be able to make it to the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, Brooklyn. The poor guy is suffering from a sports related injury and is experiencing acute jaw pain. That’s alright, he’s Japanese, and it’s about time we Americans show them who can eat a goddamned hot dog! It’s pretty sad that the only way we could beat the world at making a better car, sustaining the environment, winning a (gasp!) baseball game, or even a hot dog eating contest would be to ask the Japanese not to show up… well… and maybe the Germans, the Swedes, the English and the French… damn. I bet we’d kick the pants off some Norwegians at football (the American kind of course… the one you play with your hands).

Well, that’s fine – we’ll still sit down and drink a nice cold Budweiser and grill out in the Florida heat. On second thought, I like beer, so I think I’ll have to drink something made in a country where they know what beer is – not this watered down gnat’s urine that Anheuser-Busch tries to pass off as beer. In fact, Budweiser is not even considered a beer by some experts, as it’s made with over 60 percent brewer’s rice, which is basically the cheapest, leftover broken rice you can find, rather than hops and barley. Maybe I’ll just stick to lemonade. At least the conversation will be good.
We’ll cheer the brave men and women who fought the evil British and won the freedom to govern ourselves. Yes, those great Americans are who we should all strive to be – patriotic, brave, and British… What? Yes, they were Englishmen fighting a civil war. They won, kicked the other English out and stopped playing cricket. Really? Yes. Well, I never thought about it like that. Well, that’s because you’re an idiot. Aaah, thank you. My pleasure. Oh well, at least they got rid of their idiot king, which gave them the right to elect their own idiot tyrant.
They were however, still great men. The Founding Fathers were the greatest thinking people of their time. We thank God for their brave ideas and strong leadership. Well, maybe not God… Jefferson was a strong deist (someone who believes in a higher power, but one that doesn’t influence or have anything to do with human life). George Washington was also a deist and a strong proponent of religious tolerance, saying, “If they be good workmen, they may be from Asia, Africa, or Europe; they may be Mohammedans, Jews, or Christians of any sect, or they may be Atheists.” That’s probably why so many persecuted Jews came to the States; they felt it would become the most tolerant country on the planet. I guess it’s better that we think whatever we want to, and remember that this country is not based on Christianity, but rather tolerance, and a strong belief that Church and State are both good, but never the twain should meet. They would be pissed at the White House Office of Faith Based Initiatives.
But their legacy to us can never be tarnished. We’ll raise our glasses of cold lemonade and thank Buddha for the Constitution. Standing as a shining beacon to those throughout the world unfortunate enough not to belong to a Democracy. We’ll just make sure they don’t see the secret prisons, Guantanamo Bay, illegal wire-tapping, torture, control over congressional hearings, passing executive orders to stop the release of presidential papers, suspending habeas corpus, or the making up of lies to start wars for whatever reason we want. We’ll just sweep those under the rug and tell the rest of the world that this is the greatest country on earth!
Good God/Allah/Buddha/Krishna/Shiva/Jehovah/ Elegua (The Nigerian God of crossroads), et al, how am I going to celebrate the birth of my Nation without feeling like a complete hypocrite? I know! Fireworks! I still have my beautiful, made in Mexico, explosives! I’ll just be very careful not to hurt any small children or animals (Mitt Romney I’m watching you) and pray to whatever God I believe in that the 4th in 2008 looks a whole lot better.



Tags: , , , , , ,

Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro


This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]