Goodbye, Jerry!

LYNCHBURG, VA – Jerry Falwell, the moral and spiritual beacon for all God-fearing, minority-loathing, gun-toting, Jew-hating, science-snubbing, feminist-fearing, violence-endorsing Christians died Tuesday at 73 from heart rhythm abnormality.

The Reverend’s heart failure seems to have been caused by over-excitement during a liaison with one of his many regular Mexican male prostitutes at his office at Liberty University. The rent-boy, José-Ernesto, who met with Doctor Falwell on Tuesday, told The Associated Press that the Reverend was wearing a Tinky Winky costume when he arrived for their weekly meeting. Teletubby Falwell apparently died half-way through being orally pleasured by José-Ernesto. The Mexican prostitute admits that his job was made difficult by the bulky outfit, and when he realized that the Reverend was not singing the children’s television show theme song anymore, he slipped out the door.

Thirty minutes later, when Jessica Balm, a student at Liberty, came to visit the Doctor during his office hours, she says that it took her a few minutes to realize that the Teletubby with the raging rigor mortis hard-on sticking through the custom-made flap was, in fact, a deceased Reverend Falwell.

Falwell dodged the evangelical men-of-God sex scandals of the 1980’s when Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, and Marvin Gorman played with young, supple forbidden fruit, and then avoided the same fate as the methed-up, man-whore banging Reverend Ted Haggard. But the Reverend Falwell’s last act is controversial for one very important reason. Falwell said that “Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them.” Considering that Doctor Falwell opposed gay marriage, some consider this hypocritical. When asked to comment, José-Ernesto said he wouldn’t have married him anyway. But Falwell’s son, imaginatively named Jerry Falwell Jr., said that the famous televangelist is up in heaven right now discussing with God how gays, Jews (present company excluded, Jesus), and pretty much anyone who isn’t like him are ruining the world. As Falwell himself said in his Christ-like manner: “If you’re not a born-again Christian, you’re a failure as a human being.”

Falwell was respected by all for his many sensible beliefs, including his theory that God was not protecting America from terrorists due to the country’s secular population, that AIDS is God’s answer to homosexuality and the society that tolerates it, that the Antichrist is a Jew running around right now, and that, of course, Tinky Winky is a flamingly gay icon planted in the Teletubbies to turn our children into hairdressers.

Unfortunately, as Falwell often insisted would be the case on his last day, he did not hear the trumpet, and he did not instantly disappear in a rapture to meet the Big Man, leaving his Teletubbie attire behind with the heathen prostitute. But, the Reverend, known for contributing so much good to the world, did die with a smile on his face.

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Dr. Egbert Sousé is a columnist and the Senior Editor for Lush For Life.Born and raised in the rural Deep South, Dr. Sousé attended University of Vanderbilt, where he received his Bachelor's Degree in Mass Media, then going on to Georgetown for his Master's, and eventually graduating from Brown University with a Doctorate Degree in English, where he studied under the highly respected writer and journalist Dr. Leonard Epstein.Dr. Sousé has written articles for a variety of publications, including Newsweek, Time, and The Boston Globe.When not working, Dr. Sousé enjoys spending his leisure time at the local horse tracks, where he places two dollar bets and attempts to make contact with extra-terrestrial life.He currently lives in Tampa, Florida, and during the summer months he resides at his remote villa in Key West, Florida, where he enjoys drinking home-made Absinthe while he continues to complete his Great American Novel.

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