Benoit Slayings Bring Down Soloflex, WWE


FAYETTEVILLE, GA – In response to the double murder-suicide slayings committed by Chris Benoit last week, Benoit’s family members filed several civil lawsuits against Soloflex, Inc., and World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) and majority shareholder Vince McMahon, according to an anonymous family member of Benoit.

According to the source, as told to Lush For Life correspondent and amateur Samoan wrestler Arthur Rocks, the family plans on launching a full-scale court battle against Soloflex, McMahon, and the WWE in separate lawsuits. The American Civil Liberties Union will represent the family in all suits, including prosecutors Ben Wizner and Eric Balaban, according to ACLU press secretary Bob Briggs.

The family claims Soloflex and founder Jerry Wilson knowingly produced, distributed, and sold a lethal household device capable of causing injury and death in the form of their flagship home gym. Benoit committed suicide by hanging himself on the best-selling home gym after strangling his wife Nancy and smothering his 7-year-old son Daniel last week. The family is looking to receive over 150-million dollars in damages.
“The remaining members of the Benoit family are having to cope with a great deal of agony,” Briggs said to Lush For Life correspondent Rob Johnson. “We are here to help the bereaved and the persecuted and those who have been wronged by large corporations. They have a good case and a legitimate claim,” Briggs said.

Following the lawsuit, the entire stock of Soloflex home gyms manufactured in the company’s production facility in China were purchased by the Ku Klux Klan, a United States social club considered by many to be a domestic terrorist organization. Over 100,000 units and accessory attachments were purchased by the Klan, at the price of $1800 each, according to KKK board chairman and treasurer Clyde Bower. Though it has not been determined whether or not the Soloflex is actually a hanging device, the Klan claims they cannot wait for litigation rulings and need to act now. “Once we heard what these suns-a-bitches could do, we had to have ‘em,” Bower said to Lush For Life correspondent and southern Baptist minister Porcious Crank. “These machines’ll help us do our lynchin’ and get all of our freedom fighters in better fightin’ shape,” Bower said. The Klan plans on distributing Soloflex machines to their members to help discourage further racial integrations throughout the southern region of the United States, according to Bower.

Rather than going to trial, Soloflex executives said to Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks that the company has prepared a settlement case for the Benoit family in the sum of $100 million. According to Soloflex founder and CEO Jerry Wilson, the funds earned from the Ku Klux Klan purchases will be used to pay the Benoit settlement fee, if accepted. “We didn’t see this coming,” Wilson said, “but like any good American company, we are able to roll with the punches. We sell our home gyms as just that, and nothing more. From this point on, it is not our responsibility if customers use our devices for anything other than their original purpose – which is stated in a new disclaimer added to our product manual before the Klan purchase,” Wilson said.

The lawsuit filed against the WWE and Vince McMahon is considered to be a more complicated case, according to ACLU attorneys. The Benoit family claims the late Chris Benoit committed his crimes solely in response to his wrestling personality being written out of current dramatic storylines in the upcoming WWE broadcasts. WWE promoter and majority shareholder Vince McMahon was engaged in a fake-death plot developing in the wrestling program, and personally refused to grant Benoit a role in the story. According to ACLU attorneys, the motive of Benoit’s double murder-suicide was to foil McMahon’s primetime broadcast of his return to the ring. Benoit’s wishes came true on June 25 on “WWE Smackdown”, as McMahon was forced to abandon his comeback and devote the telecast to a Benoit memorial. Attorneys claim that if McMahon had decided to include Benoit in the story, the brutal and bizarre slayings would have not occurred.

Court rulings are scheduled to begin next month. In other news, the WWE plans on releasing commemorative “WWE Edition” Bibles identical to the ones placed next to Nancy and Daniel Benoit’s corpses by Benoit. All proceeds are to be used for the organization’s defense in the Benoit family’s civil suit.

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