Oden an omen… With the first selection in the 2007 NBA Draft, the Portland Trail Blazers drafted Greg Oden, a seven-foot monster center from Ohio State. Oden is heralded as the best big-man to enter the league since the likes of future Hall of Fame locks Shaquille O’Neal and Tim Duncan, and was the clear-cut obvious choice to go number one, even over the freakishly awesome Kevin Durant. The pick marks the first time the Blazers have done something right in over a decade, but it didn’t occur without some deliberation. Team management contemplated trading the pick to Orlando for so-far bust forward Darko Milicic, and when that fell through, thought about trading the pick to the New York Knicks for cash, which they would use to purchase the rights to Khalid Sheikh Mohammed from the US military base in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. After attempts to acquire Mohammed fell through, the team decided to go ahead and select Oden. He may not have been their first choice, but they may get a few NBA championships out of it, anyway… Continue Reading

OXFORD, ENGLAND – Through the historical modern-classic, The DaVinci Code, society discovered that Jesus the Christ and Mary Magdalene had a child – the Holy Grail – and the bloodline was passed down, protected by the Knights Templar. But scrolls found in Iran have shed new light on the descendants of Jesus of Nazareth. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – Last Thursday, the Roberts Court handed down a landmark decision that effectively quashed the desegregation plans of hundreds of public school systems all across the United States. Writing for the majority opinion, Chief Justice John Roberts said that race should not be used in anyway, either for positive or negative outcomes, as a factor in determining whether or not to grant specific pupils admissions to specific schools. In some of the most prescient language to come from the bench in years, he wrote that, “[t]he way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discriminating on the basis of race.” Continue Reading

San Francisco – Tragedy was averted Thursday when a quick-thinking Transportation Security Administration screening officer spotted and impounded a 12 ounce tube of Aquafresh brand fluoride toothpaste before it could be carried on board an American Airlines flight to Dallas. Continue Reading

The line between being an informed, disgruntled American displeased with our country’s morality and direction, and a flag-burning anti-American meddling detrimentalist guilty of treason is very small. At least that’s what Rush Limbaugh, the religious Right, and “The Silent Majority” believe.
Not so much here at Lush For Life. Though we publish “fake news,” we have been associated with the Liberal Left, the Bleeding-Heart media, and the Jewish Media Conspiracy. Though we have never admitted to being a part of any of these agendas, we know what side of the line we would be standing on if the proverbial shit eventually hits the proverbial fan. Upon a viewing of Michael Moore’s newest documentary “Sicko” – an in-depth analysis of the American health care system, and the lives that are ruined as a result of it – a refreshed contempt for our country’s corruption and lack of moral fiber has been revived in all of us; from our paranoid Senior Editor Egbert Sousè, to the one-legged, mentally-challenged chimp mopping the floors in our basement who devours all of our back-stock of Angostura Bitters. Not a problem, though. Since watching “Sicko”, we have all the bitterness we need. Continue Reading

CUPERTINO, CA – It’s here! The iPhone has hit the shelves like a heroin-starved junkie hitting a methadone buffet. The Mac addicts are out in force, lining up in front of Apple stores all around the country, scaring women and children with their long hair, freethinking ideas, and dorky t-shirts. Lush For Life, being an Apple-only organization, was eager to get our hands on one of the highly anticipated smart phones, and succeeded (read our review on page X), but also to find out what really makes the iPhone so special.
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The Vatican has examined road use and misuse, and found mankind in need of new guidance in this area.
Lush For Life convened a focus group of AAs (Average Americans) to debate the Vatican’s “Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road”, and found that they think the bar has been set a bit high. Continue Reading

FAYETTEVILLE, GA – In response to the double murder-suicide slayings committed by Chris Benoit last week, Benoit’s family members filed several civil lawsuits against Soloflex, Inc., and World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) and majority shareholder Vince McMahon, according to an anonymous family member of Benoit.
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It’s that glorious time of the year again! Our Nation’s birthday is here and boy, could it use some cheering up. Maybe a present or two – nothing fancy; just some peace pipes, tea cups, sauerkraut, potatoes, and some little wooden shoes (she’s multi-cultural). Yup, grab that American brew, toast the Founding Fathers, praise the Constitution, and celebrate liberty and freedom for all. Ooh! And hot-dog eating contests! Those are my favorite.
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