Your Future For This Month


Capricorn: Take it easy this month. Things that come easy to you will suddenly become more difficult. To relax, you will spend your time watching TV. Some of your favorite shows will include: Leave it to Beaver, Peyton Place, Dynasty, and The Andy Griffith Show.

You share your sign with J. D. Salinger.

Aquarius: You will become very involved in your work and/or hobbies this month; so much that it becomes an obsession. You will begin to talk incessantly about hunting birds and about pine nuts, peanuts, and pistachio nuts.

You share your sign with Christopher Guest.

Pisces: Get your White Sox on! Baseball will be your new best friend this month. You will yell and scream, and hopefully not get kicked out of the baseball game. You will also have to ask yourself, “Would you eat the moon if it were made out of ribs?”

You share your sign with Harry Caray.

Aries: You return to your simple cracker barrel roots when you develop a crush on a braided blonde country girl, so get out your moonshine and swill, because you’ve got a date with a deaf, dumb, and blind hillbilly.

You share your sign with Buddy Ebsen.

Taurus: No matter what happens to you this month, keep it funky and plead no contest.

You share your sign with James Brown.

Gemini: Like in Monopoly, sometimes you just got to go to jail. You befriend a white banker, play some harmonica, see Rita Hayworth films, and live out the rest of your days on the beach in Mexico. The only catch is, your job is to narrate for the rest of your life.

You share your sign with Morgan Freeman.

Cancer: Your testicles will finally drop. Congratulations! This is good news, of course, for all of you post-pubescent boys. Bad news for you, sister!

You share your sign with Allen Ginsberg.

Leo: Sorry, you die this month in a horrible accident on the autotrain. Guess you should have driven, lazyass!

You share your sign with George “Dubya” Bush.

Virgo: You will finally get that settlement you have been waiting for. Though it will be worth millions of dollars, you will bet it all on 13 Black at the roulette wheel in a cheesy reservation casino. You will lose and then be beaten by a mob of angry Native Americans after you insult them with ridicule of their fine sovereign lands.

You share your sign with Paul Harvey.

Libra: You will find out that you are adopted, and that your real mother has a rare type of diabetes that is passed down to the first-born child (you) in 99 percent of cases, and the mortality rate is zero.

You share you sign with Arthur Rimbaud.

Scorpio: You will do nothing at all this month, unless you consider sitting on your fat ass watching A-Team reruns something.

You share your sign with Joseph McCarthy.

Sagittarius: Lesbian albino rhinos will stampede your home, leaving you crippled and your cat with post-traumatic stress disorder. Your insurance company will confuse your claim with your kitty’s, and it will be denied.

You share your sign with Mary Todd Lincoln.

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