Vick Opens Dog Kennel

SMITHFIELD, VA – Atlanta Falcons all-pro quarterback Michael Vick held a press conference, Wednesday, indicating his intentions to open and personally operate a new dog kennel business out of his Smithfield, Virginia, home. The kennel service will also act as the home for a newly established international underground gambling ring for risk-takers who fancy cockfighting and dogfighting wagers.
Vick’s decision to open the kennel comes in response to the recent allegations that animal neglect and illegal dogfight training has been occurring in a Virginia home the quarterback owns but does not live in. Rather than deny the allegation, Vick has decided to face the charges while making profit.
“It don’t matter what I say ‘cause y’alls’s never believe what I say cause da color o’ my skin,” Vick said in an interview with dog enthusiast, gambling degenerate, and Lush For Life correspondent Rob Johnson. “So I’m gonna make some badass kickin’ niggas outta deez domesticated poodles and shit-sooz, mutha-fucka.”
Vick’s run-ins with the law didn’t begin with the dog fighting allegations. He has been associated with illegal activity in the past, including marijuana usage and solicitation of underage sex. The player also known as Ron Mexico has attempted to sleep with a group of underage women, as well as taking a marijuana-smoking device onto an airplane. It is unclear whether or not Vick was under the influence of marijuana when diving into his new business venture.
The former Virginia Tech star said his new kennel will be a state-of-the-art facility previously unseen in the world of pet care, and will offer dog owners top-notch service and care for all breeds, for a reasonable price. According to Vick’s attorney Larry Woodward, the facility will boast twelve of the world’s best veterinarians, as well as an entire staff of Mexican cock-fight trainers. Both Vick and Woodward expect the facility to be a success among the high-society and celebrity markets.
“We will offer the best pet care service found anywhere to dogs during the day, and hardcore rigorous training at night,” Woodward said to Rob Johnson. “This will be the only place your pet can receive amenities like gourmet dining and full body massages, while also being trained into a lethal, aggressive killing machine.”
Vick’s role in the business will be minimal, acting mainly as a figurehead for the company. He will, however, recruit an undisclosed number of the most talented fighters every month and enter them into international fighting competitions held in Mexico and various locales in South America, according to Woodward. Vick plans on escorting the packs of once-domesticated-turned-wild-beasts to the fights himself, and will place bets for the dog owners in the fighting competitions of their choice.
“For legal reasons, Michael will not be directly involved in the training of the dogs, the dog fights, or any other gambling proceedings that may happen to occur,” Vick’s agent Joel Segal said to Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks, who has already entered his pure-bred bloodhound into Vick’s kennel. “Vick’s associate, Ron Mexico, will be directly involved with the dogs and will control the gambling side of the business.”
Initial financial figures and gambling proceeds have all involved parties anxious to get started, even though organized animal fighting is illegal in the United States. All fights and funds earned through gambling will be held outside of the US, and the primary bank accounts and money transferring for Vick’s business are held offshore in the Cayman Islands.
A number of notable celebrities have already submitted their dogs to Vick’s kennel to get a head start on the fighting scene. Actor Jeremy Piven has entered his pair of German Shepherds; Charlton Heston has sent a pack of Dobermans and a pair of Welsh Corgi puppies; and troubled singer Britney Spears has entered her 150-pound sheep dog into contention. Most notably, Vice President Dick Cheney has purchased thirty wild dogs from Africa and promptly sent them to Vick’s kennel with a strict torture and training regimen including starvation, scheduled beatings, floggings, and teeth and toenail sharpening.
The first dogfight is scheduled for July 1 in Tijuana and will be hosted by Ron Mexico in his trademark testicle-crunching boots and oversized sombrero.

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