Fundamentalist Falwell Begins Heavenly Coup

HEAVEN – Amidst all the turmoil currently weaving through the political hierarchy in Heaven over the past several weeks, the recently deceased former evangelical/hate monger/follower of Christ, Jerry Falwell, made his official announcement, Sunday, on his plans of running in the upcoming God Election. The announcement has deflected attention from the recent Lush For Life scoop of a murder committed by the late Holy Redeemer in 1974, and has acted as a breath of fresh air in the hearts and minds of a number of Heaven residents and politicians.

“I would like to make it known to all of the God-fearing community in Heaven and on Earth that my career in the ministry is far from over,” Falwell said mass telepathic prayer early Sunday morning. “I plan on running for the unoccupied Godship position left vacant by our fallen King of kings and Lord of lords. I look forward to leading the whole Christian world into the remainder of eternity, and beyond.”
“My first act, if elected, will be to change the perception of Sunday as the official day of rest for the Christian community,” Falwell said. “Sunday was the day that He rested; I have no plans of resting anymore. Sunday will now be the official day to spew hatred towards minorities, gays, pro choicers, or anyone else who is not a white, conservative, heterosexual, practicing Southern Baptist.”
Falwell’s entrance into the election has caused a rekindled interest in winning the God position, and has found a number of other candidates in a scramble jockeying for religious and political position. It is unclear whether Falwell will attempt to seize a party nomination from an already appointed candidate, or if he will run on a different ticket. Catholic Party nominee Craig T. Nelson held a press conference Sunday afternoon strongly opposing Falwell’s late entry into the election, calling his intentions “ungodly and self-serving.” Some candidates, like Lutheran Party nominee Tom Snyder, have offered a sharply different opinion of Falwell. “Jerry poses a threat to those not willing to accept his majesty and commitment to performing the Lord’s good work. I would be pleased to have Jerry on board for my campaign,” Snyder said to Lush For Life correspondent Rob Johnson.
Due to Falwell’s popularity among Christian fundamentalists and Southern Baptists, and his years of using his ministry for political meddling, sources from Heaven feel that Falwell will be an unpredictable wild card in the election.
“Jerry has an intrinsic ability to use his beliefs to influence millions of unassuming and impressionable Christians,” Heaven resident and member of the Heaven Oversight Committee the Apostle Paul said to Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks. “His strong feelings against homosexuality and abortion hit close to home with a large number of the eligible electorate,” Paul said.
New facts surrounding Falwell gathered by Heaven insider and Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks just before press time indicate that his intentions on running for the vacant God position may prove to be more difficult than the late evangelist once imagined.
According to Obadiah, member of the Heaven Oversight Committee, an in-depth analysis of Falwell’s Christian files and dossier of good deeds conducted by Jesus and the Oversight Committee indicate that Falwell is not eligible to enter Heaven. An error in the processing of Falwell’s application allowed for his temporary admittance, according to Heaven’s gatekeeper Saint Peter. Falwell was, reportedly, forcefully ejected from his gold and silver constructed, diamond-lined villa overlooking downtown by Heaven enforcement officers, as well as members of Jesus’ personal secret service team following a violent outburst.
“Upon investigation of Mr. Falwell’s file, we have determined that even though he appeared to be a God-fearing Christian who invited me into his heart, he was actually a really bad, evil person,” Jesus said to Arthur Rocks. “His hatred towards large groups of people and his accusation that homosexuals and abortions caused the September 11th attacks ultimately have damned him to Hell for all eternity,” Jesus said.
The late evangelist’s banishment to Hell has caused the majority of his political supporters to turn their back and pull their campaign funding. The new resident of Hell has received a new supporter, however, in Purgatory figurehead and Hell Party candidate Satan, and has no plans of backing out of the election just yet.
“Due to my unforeseen and unfair banishment from Heaven, I plan on remaining in the election, but for the Hell Party, as Satan’s running mate,” Falwell said to Rob Johnson while playing a hand of canasta with Richard Nixon and James Brown from the seventh level of Hell. “Jesus will regret this – mark my words,” Falwell said. “Now he’s got two defectors on His hands, and we are itching to get back into those pearly gates.”
As a result, all of the funds accumulated by Falwell’s ministry have been seized by Jesus, and will be equally dispersed among all of the other God Election candidate’s campaign funds.



Tags: , ,

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro


This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]