Colony Collapse Disorder Cause Discovered


Across the United States, honeybee colonies are disappearing. Some beekeepers are reporting drops in colony populations as much as 25 percent and panic is starting to rise in the throats of economists, ecologists, and entomologists. As trivial as declining bee numbers appears to be on the surface, the reality is that honeybees are used to pollinate over 15-billion dollars worth of crops annually, so no bees means no food. The issue has become so worrisome of late that a congressional hearing will be launched in June to try and determine the cause of what is being called Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD).

Speculation abounds as to the cause of the massive die off of our pollinating pals. Scientists have offered up suggestions ranging from pesticides used on the crops to electromagnetic interference from cell phones and other wireless devices confusing the navigation systems of the bees. However, Lush For Life science correspondent Arthur Rocks is reporting a much more sinister cause for the fading flyers.
Rocks sat down with Jellystone National Park’s Ranger Smith, Wednesday, to discuss the disappearance of the bees. “It’s that God damn bear!” exclaimed Ranger Smith, “And not the fat brown one that’s always in my picnic basket, it’s a new one – also fat, but shorter and yellow, wearing a red shirt, for God’s sake! I saw them building large antennas near the bees. He’s been killing the bees to steal their honey. If I catch him, I’ll kill him. I saw him with a kid, too. They are in cahoots!”

Upon learning of this disturbing, malicious scheme, Lush For Life launched a full undercover investigation into the vanishing honeybees. Complete with night vision goggles, wireless signal detectors, and bee whistles, the editorial staff of L4L headed out into the cold, forest night. What we witnessed was extremely disturbing.

Stealing through the night was a small, yellow bear wearing a tight, red muscle-hugger. Working feverishly through the night, the bear erected a thirty-foot antenna and hooked it up to a small generator. From there, we tracked the bear to a nearby beehive where we observed the small creature plundering the hives for honey, completely free of bees. After beholding the cold-blooded murder of our partners in pollination, we felt we had to follow the beast back to its cave and confront it. However, the evil animal led us to a small house with a white picket fence, a red roof, and the words “The Robins” on a green mailbox, where he slipped into the basement through a small, round window. We decided to return the following morning and attempt to interview the owners of the house, but found that the only one home was a young boy named Christopher.

I sat down with Christopher and asked him if he knew anything about the havoc wreaking resident of his basement. “Oh, that silly old bear, what’s he gotten in to now?” When we explained about the bees, young Christopher appeared shocked. “He did what? I can’t believe it. He is a bear of very small brain. That fucking Owl must be helping him.” As the plot thickened, Christopher prepared some tea for us and began unraveling a tale so horrific that even the hardened Lush For Life staffers had to break into their emergency second hip flasks. According to the young boy, the bear in the basement has been actively engaged in a secret war with the honeybee population since 1926. Aided by a group of animal terrorists including a small pig, a hyperactive tiger, a neurotic rabbit, and a know-it-all explosives-expert owl, the bear has been leading an all-out assault on honeybees, unsuccessfully, for eighty years. “They’ve tried everything,” said the young Robin, “from pumping water into hives to elaborate rain-cloud disguises, they’ve tried everything, and the bees have kept winning.”

When asked why anyone would hate honeybees so much, Christopher said “The honey of course! At first, it was just the silly old bear going after the bees, but after failing countless times, he turned to stealing his friends’ honey to get his fix. They got so annoyed that they decided that helping him secure massive amounts was the only way they would be free of his kleptomania.” Christopher was very articulate for a boy of 12.

Shocked by this revolting revelation, Lush For Life contacted the authorities, and waited. When the police and animal control arrived, we followed them down into the Robin’s basement where we discovered the yellow beast lying on a small bed in a nightcap and gown, covered in honey and snoring happily. Tranquilizer guns drawn, the officer in charge yelled at the bear to wake up and keep his paws where we could see them. As the sleepy bear rose from his glucose-induced coma, he rubbed his eyes, took in the scene, and as it dawned on him that his murderous spree was over he simply muttered, “Oh bother.”

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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

One Response to “Colony Collapse Disorder Cause Discovered” Subscribe

  1. Duncan Idaho June 6, 2007 at 12:47 pm #

    Oh bother!

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