Blair Denied Green Card


Ever since British Prime Minister Tony Blair played a key role in championing President Bush’s invasion of Iraq, his popularity in Britain has been falling. The man whose drive and popularity orchestrated “New Labour’s” resurgence against the British Conservatives ten years ago now finds himself the cause of Labour electoral losses all over the country. He has even been dubbed “Bliar” by disgruntled Britons.


For these, among other, reasons, Blair has pushed forward his long-anticipated departure from office to make way for Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown to become Britain’s new Prime Minister. “I have served Britain well, and the United States better, during my tenure at 10 Downing Street. Now it is time for Gordon to take over,” said Blair at his retirement speech in Northern England.
If Blair had hoped to escape the British public’s ire over Iraq when he left office, he faced a rude awakening during his farewell trip to America. After he allowed Bush to bend him over the table for one final time, the two held a joint-press conference where the British media were unrelenting in their questions about Blair’s role in the Iraq war and its aftermath.
“Let me repeat, the special relationship between Great Britain and America has been positive for us, too. I got some really great hamburgers from W the last time I was here, and I all had to do was agree to allow the Brits at Gitmo to stay a few months longer. That seems like a good deal to me,” Blair responded to a question as President Bush suppressed a chuckle.
On a long British Airways flight back to London after the trip, Blair spoke with Lush for Life’s own Arthur Rocks about how much he loved being in America. “For some reason, the Americans have a great fondness for me,” he said. “I am at a loss as to why this is. Maybe it’s because I am able to articulate Bush’s policies on Iraq to the American public much better than the bumbling Bush himself. Either way, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t stand the heckling in Britain for much longer. I think I’ll move to America for a while.”
When the flight landed, Blair announced to the press he will indeed move to America. More specifically, he wants to buy land in Crawford to be close to his friend Bush in both of their retirements. Little did the hapless Prime Minster know this announcement would serve to inject him directly into the hot immigration debate currently occurring in the Congress.
Several Republican members immediately declared that they would not allow Blair to get a green card for entry into the US. “We cannot just allow Blair to come into the country,” said Republican Presidential candidate and resident psycho Tom Tancredo. “He could be a security threat. I mean, what about possible links to al-Qaeda? Also, he might steal American jobs and use up all our public services. Of course he’s not going to pay taxes either. I mean immigrants don’t know how to do that.”
Taking the other side, President Bush and most Democrats didn’t see a problem. However, in attempting to reach a compromise, Bush suggested that Blair might be allowed to gain a green card through the “guest leader program.” This would allow him to stay in the United States for two years, but require him to go back to Britain for a year after that. He would also only be able to take lucrative speaking engagements that were not wanted by true citizens.
Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff stepped in to settle the debate when he announced that, due to recently enacted legislation, Blair would be denied a green card. “The CIA, along with the DHS, learned that Blair has had contact with the terrorist organization Hamas,” a spokesperson for Chertoff reported. Despite Blair’s protestations that these contacts occurred while he was trying to negotiate a Palestinian-Israeli peace deal, he was unable to convince the INS to reconsider its decision. He was also immediately put on the US no-fly list.
“I am deeply hurt by this decision,” Blair was reported to have said. “I cannot understand how, after being so nice to America, and doing so much for its citizens, I have been treated so badly. Now I feel like all other would-be immigrants to America.”

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