TAMPA – Following yet another year of plummeting into mediocrity (and the worst season endured by the Buccaneers since 1991) under our fearless and determined leader, Jon Gruden, many fans and enthusiasts wonder just how far the Bucs have fallen, and how short the tightening noose looped around Gruden’s neck has become. The staff here at Lush For Life, led by this journalist and our much-publicized team of drunken chimps, will attempt to give all of you Dear Readers a “fair and balanced” account of what is going down at One Buc Place, and what to expect this upcoming season. If we tend to editorialize or succumb to a deep-seeded biased slant – which I assure you, we will – please refrain from sending us your hate mail or various ridicules that continue to accumulate into a massive pile on the L4L sports desk, and just enjoy the ride. Continue Reading

Ever since British Prime Minister Tony Blair played a key role in championing President Bush’s invasion of Iraq, his popularity in Britain has been falling. The man whose drive and popularity orchestrated “New Labour’s” resurgence against the British Conservatives ten years ago now finds himself the cause of Labour electoral losses all over the country. He has even been dubbed “Bliar” by disgruntled Britons.

Continue Reading

HEAVEN – Amidst all the turmoil currently weaving through the political hierarchy in Heaven over the past several weeks, the recently deceased former evangelical/hate monger/follower of Christ, Jerry Falwell, made his official announcement, Sunday, on his plans of running in the upcoming God Election. The announcement has deflected attention from the recent Lush For Life scoop of a murder committed by the late Holy Redeemer in 1974, and has acted as a breath of fresh air in the hearts and minds of a number of Heaven residents and politicians.

Continue Reading

SMITHFIELD, VA – Atlanta Falcons all-pro quarterback Michael Vick held a press conference, Wednesday, indicating his intentions to open and personally operate a new dog kennel business out of his Smithfield, Virginia, home. The kennel service will also act as the home for a newly established international underground gambling ring for risk-takers who fancy cockfighting and dogfighting wagers.
Vick’s decision to open the kennel comes in response to the recent allegations that animal neglect and illegal dogfight training has been occurring in a Virginia home the quarterback owns but does not live in. Rather than deny the allegation, Vick has decided to face the charges while making profit.
“It don’t matter what I say ‘cause y’alls’s never believe what I say cause da color o’ my skin,” Vick said in an interview with dog enthusiast, gambling degenerate, and Lush For Life correspondent Rob Johnson. “So I’m gonna make some badass kickin’ niggas outta deez domesticated poodles and shit-sooz, mutha-fucka.”
Vick’s run-ins with the law didn’t begin with the dog fighting allegations. He has been associated with illegal activity in the past, including marijuana usage and solicitation of underage sex. The player also known as Ron Mexico has attempted to sleep with a group of underage women, as well as taking a marijuana-smoking device onto an airplane. It is unclear whether or not Vick was under the influence of marijuana when diving into his new business venture.
The former Virginia Tech star said his new kennel will be a state-of-the-art facility previously unseen in the world of pet care, and will offer dog owners top-notch service and care for all breeds, for a reasonable price. According to Vick’s attorney Larry Woodward, the facility will boast twelve of the world’s best veterinarians, as well as an entire staff of Mexican cock-fight trainers. Both Vick and Woodward expect the facility to be a success among the high-society and celebrity markets.
“We will offer the best pet care service found anywhere to dogs during the day, and hardcore rigorous training at night,” Woodward said to Rob Johnson. “This will be the only place your pet can receive amenities like gourmet dining and full body massages, while also being trained into a lethal, aggressive killing machine.”
Vick’s role in the business will be minimal, acting mainly as a figurehead for the company. He will, however, recruit an undisclosed number of the most talented fighters every month and enter them into international fighting competitions held in Mexico and various locales in South America, according to Woodward. Vick plans on escorting the packs of once-domesticated-turned-wild-beasts to the fights himself, and will place bets for the dog owners in the fighting competitions of their choice.
“For legal reasons, Michael will not be directly involved in the training of the dogs, the dog fights, or any other gambling proceedings that may happen to occur,” Vick’s agent Joel Segal said to Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks, who has already entered his pure-bred bloodhound into Vick’s kennel. “Vick’s associate, Ron Mexico, will be directly involved with the dogs and will control the gambling side of the business.”
Initial financial figures and gambling proceeds have all involved parties anxious to get started, even though organized animal fighting is illegal in the United States. All fights and funds earned through gambling will be held outside of the US, and the primary bank accounts and money transferring for Vick’s business are held offshore in the Cayman Islands.
A number of notable celebrities have already submitted their dogs to Vick’s kennel to get a head start on the fighting scene. Actor Jeremy Piven has entered his pair of German Shepherds; Charlton Heston has sent a pack of Dobermans and a pair of Welsh Corgi puppies; and troubled singer Britney Spears has entered her 150-pound sheep dog into contention. Most notably, Vice President Dick Cheney has purchased thirty wild dogs from Africa and promptly sent them to Vick’s kennel with a strict torture and training regimen including starvation, scheduled beatings, floggings, and teeth and toenail sharpening.
The first dogfight is scheduled for July 1 in Tijuana and will be hosted by Ron Mexico in his trademark testicle-crunching boots and oversized sombrero.

During the Congressional elections of 2006, Democrats assured voters they would not follow in the footsteps of the Republican Congress during the Clinton years by wasting time with frivolous investigations. Less than six months on, they to appear to have backtracked on that promise. Last night, Congressman Henry Waxman, Chairman of the House Oversight Committee, announced a subpoena for Presidential Pooch Barney to appear before the committee. Continue Reading

Across the United States, honeybee colonies are disappearing. Some beekeepers are reporting drops in colony populations as much as 25 percent and panic is starting to rise in the throats of economists, ecologists, and entomologists. As trivial as declining bee numbers appears to be on the surface, the reality is that honeybees are used to pollinate over 15-billion dollars worth of crops annually, so no bees means no food. The issue has become so worrisome of late that a congressional hearing will be launched in June to try and determine the cause of what is being called Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD). Continue Reading

[Lush For Life’s Economics Correspondent Edward Payne first submitted this story to Forbes Magazine, The Wall Street Journal, The Bloomberg Report, The San Francisco Chronicle, The St. Pete Times, The Tampa Bay Business Journal, In the Loop, The Carrollwood Times, The New Tampa Neighborhood News, The Gazette, The Idlewild Baptist Church Newsletter, and The Coffee Times. After rejections across the board, we at Lush For Life opted to run this piece, hoping to increase our street cred in the financial world and boggle the minds of our fifth-grade reading-level demographic. Enjoy! – Ed.] Continue Reading