Tragedies Form Year To Come In NCAA


BLACKSBURG, VA – Accusations of professional and college sports being fixed and previously arranged have finally been confirmed. The quest towards supremacy in college athletics in the upcoming 2007-08 NCAA seasons is officially underway as multiple major universities continue to endure shocking tragedy after tragedy.
Many schools have taken note of the public’s affinity for sports teams overcoming insurmountable obstacles, and now are using these appalling experiences to achieve athletic success.
The link between tragedy and success for sports teams has been well documented in many leagues over the past several years, most notably in the NFL. The NCAA is taking a hint from the NFL, and has recently announced that an executive committee will be established to produce an official tragedy ranking system.
The University of South Florida garnered the initial upper hand in catastrophe this year with the death of freshman running back Keeley Dorsey on January 17. The emerging Division I-A program envisions a breakout season in response to their player’s unforeseen and untimely death, according to USF Athletic Director Doug Woolard.
“Though unfortunate and devastating, Keeley’s death will undoubtedly propel our program to great new heights,” Woolard said to Lush For Life correspondent Porcious Crank. “Our football team is poised for a Big East title and a BCS bowl birth.”
USF’s bid to emerge as national champions in NCAA football took a hit, however, following the fatal shootings at Virginia Tech on April 16 when 32 students were killed by the mentally-disturbed student Cho Seung-Hui. The VT tragedy most surely outweighs the death of USF’s Dorsey, NCAA Executive Committee member Clayton Shaw, said.
“I know USF had high hopes this year,” Shaw said, “but there’s no possible way we cannot allow Virginia Tech and their athletic teams to not emerge victorious in every major sport in the upcoming calendar year.”
After the shootings took place, the committee convened for an emergency meeting to establish where VT will be ranked in their newly devised ranking system for Division I-A universities.
“It is essential to establish a ranking system that is fair if we are to accurately choose what schools are going to surface triumphant,” Shaw said to Lush For Life correspondent and former Trojan warrior Rob Johnson. “Whatever tragedies are deemed the most catastrophic will be rewarded with national championships.”
With the Cho shootings placing Virginia Tech atop the tragedy rankings, University of Florida Athletic Director Jeremy Foley is searching for a suitable response. The surmounting tragedies pose a legitimate threat to UF as they attempt to repeat as football champions and win their third straight title in men’s basketball.
“They have entrenched themselves as eventual champions,” Foley said to Rob Johnson. “At the University of Florida, we are aware that league execs and fans want to see schools and teams overcome adversity, so we are now devising a plan to counter the horrible events that occurred at Virginia Tech last week.” Counter initiatives include planned beatings, rapes, and shootings in the dormitories in Gainesville, Florida, as well as random terrorist attacks the school is currently orchestrating with unnamed terrorist sects, according to Foley.
Many experts feel that schools like University of Florida are already dead in the water, and Virginia Tech has already been crowned champs before even one sporting event has been played. The fight to reach the coveted top seed in tragedy rankings is not over yet, according to Rutgers University women’s basketball coach C. Vivian Stringer.
“The comments made by that bigoted cowboy Don Imus have scarred both our team and our students to the core,” Stringer said in an address to the NCAA Executive Committee. “I know 33 students died at Blacksburg, but at Rutgers there are students who are still living and breathing every day in what is left of their shattered lives in the embarrassment and ridicule dished out by Mr. Imus.” Stringer went on, “Words can cut as deep as a bullet, which is perfectly exemplified by our entire student body.”
Because of the school’s sobbing campaign to receive more sympathy, Rutgers is expected to rise high enough in the tragedy rankings to win the women’s basketball championship, according to bookmakers and handicappers in Las Vegas. The men’s basketball title seems to be leaning away from the aforementioned University of Florida, and towards the recently maligned Duke University and their men’s lacrosse players wrongly accused of gang-raping a woman last summer.
“Because of the mental anguish endured by Duke and their athletes, they are going to be awarded the lacrosse title, and possibly more, depending on the outcome of the executive vote scheduled to occur later this month,” Shaw said to Porcious Crank.
The NCAA Executive Committee has scheduled their official tragedy vote for the upcoming 2007-08 seasons in early June. Though the results will remain confidential, Virginia Tech is expected to be awarded the majority of the sports titles, with Duke and Rutgers receiving some recognition, and USF possibly receiving their coveted BCS bowl game.

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