The Final Bore


ATLANTA – As the incessant screaming and laughter of three dozen drunk chimpanzees finally came to a silence after three solid weeks at Lush For Life Headquarters, we all knew the 64-team field of the NCAA men’s basketball Championship was nearing its end. Now that the Final Four was set, I was sent by Duncan Idaho to Atlanta, against my will I must admit, to apply my poignant reporting techniques towards grasping the current hiccupping heartbeat of college basketball. A half-hearted limp towards getting the story may end up in real trouble, I thought… knowing the neanderthalish temperament of these freakish genetic anomalies, and the short fuse they have for my presence. Having a pair of rabid, drunken chimps by my side would be essential to getting it right, too.
Upon arriving in Atlanta, the buzz had already taken affect to all the other various reporters and sports personalities swarming throughout the city. There were apeish creatures with abnormally stretched legs and torsos visible on every third block in downtown Atlanta, it seemed, and all of them rolled heavy with their own personal entourages relocated from South Central, packing heat, most likely. I wasn’t going to go poking and prodding on these freaks though… I’ll leave that to the scientists who should be studying the genetic makeup of these abnormally evolved weirdos.
My attempts to schedule interviews with Billy Donovan and Thad Motta came up short, presumably because of that bastard Mike Krzyzewski from Duke. I remember getting the feeling that Nixon must’ve been pissing blood in Hell after Duke’s loss to VCU in the first round, probably coupled by a triple-down lost bet to The Good Doctor, no less.
Since my press pass has been revoked, and no self-respecting person will grant me an interview, it’s time to get the heart of these games with some good ol’ vintage Lush For Life speculation. UCLA and Georgetown have made it this far by proxy, since the Final Four requires four teams. No doubt Tennessee deserves to be here, and if they would’ve been placed in a different bracket, they most surely would’ve wiped the floor with one of those two teams. Maybe Patrick Ewing will go out drinking with me and my chimps while his son is in practice.
The real competition will come between Ohio State and Florida – by far two of the best college teams in recent memory. The play of the biggest of the big men – Joakim Noah, Al Horford, and Greg Oden – will play a large role, as it does in every game. How each team defends these players, and how well the guards shoot the outside jumper on the kick-out will determine the ultimate champion.
Lush For Life will go on record as predicting a Florida-Ohio State final, with Florida emerging as champs for the second year in a row, as Greg Oden rots on the bench in foul trouble.

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