Squeal Like A Pig

HOLLYWOOD – Alec Baldwin is accused of murdering his daughter and ex-wife to avoid a bust-up with NBC.

Just days after Mr. Baldwin’s voicemail to his daughter was released by the highly respected website, TMZ, NBC informed the veteran actor that they were considering terminating his contract with them for the show 30 Rock. Baldwin reportedly then broke into his ex-wife’s house, shot actress Kim Basinger, and barbequed their “rude, thoughtless little pig” daughter, Ireland.

Baldwin apparently drew his inspiration from Misty Ann Weaver, who set fire to an office building in a well thought out plan to save her job, killing 3 people. The actor was also inspired by William Phillips who brought a gun and a print-out of his negative performance review to work at NASA because he feared being fired, and then killed a man. The star of such hits as Thomas and the Magic Railroad, The Cat in the Hat, and The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie, reasoned that Ms. Weaver and Mr. Phillips were, in fact, not fired. The actor told the police that he did not want the same fate as “the nappy-haired ho guy,” and would act before he met the same fate.

Baldwin followed up on his threat in the voicemail to visit his daughter and “straighten [her] ass out.” The neighbors could apparently hear the actor squealing like a pig as he turned his daughter on a spit. The police later found the star passed out on the floor, naked, and covered in barbeque sauce and Ireland’s tender, medium-rare flesh.

Although William Phillips turned his gun onto himself, Mr. Baldwin insisted that he was not planning on committing suicide. The actor’s lawyer is pleading insanity, which shouldn’t be too difficult to argue after hearing the voicemail that Baldwin left on his 11-year-old daughter’s phone. It is clear from the rambling tirade that Mr. Baldwin was beaten by the crazy stick at some stage.

Baldwin was working on two films, which will be taken over by Daniel and William. Stephen was not available as he is organizing skateboarding events, Christian rock concerts, and extreme sports activities for his new ministry, ‘Uprising’!

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