NASCAR Outed In Terrorist Ring


BRISTOL, TN – NASCAR’s newly designed “Car of Tomorrow” not only provides drivers with a restored confidence in safety, but also appears to be destined for much more notoriety outside the universe of left-turn racing. Following his final victory lap at the 2007 Ford City 500 at the Bristol Motor Speedway, driver Kyle Busch applauded the performance of the newly debuted “Car of Tomorrow” he drove towards victory.
“This sumbitch is a hog beast,” Busch said, waiving the victorious checkered flag. “Everyone should drive one these bastards (because) they’re so good.”
The car that was originally designed in response to Dale Earnhardt’s death in 2001 is now poised to become a new weapon in the ongoing war on terror. Following Busch’s victory, soldiers stationed in Iraq viewing the race via satellite petitioned their commanding officers to have the car replace their current stock of desert cruisers and Hummers currently used in battle. Because of their die-hard love for NASCAR, high-ranking generals and officials instantly agreed.
“Because of the ongoing threat of terrorism, our need to keep up with our enemies, and soldier morale, we think the ‘Car of Tomorrow’ will help lead our military towards victory,” Army Gen. John P. Abizaid, chief of the U.S. Central Command, said to Lush For Life correspondent and freelance war strategist Arthur Rocks.
Though it appears the US has made a significant move, results from a Lush For Life investigation indicate that terrorist organizations across the globe have been using the “Car of Tomorrow” in battle for a number of months. According to the report compiled by over three dozen chimps, working nonstop for six weeks (who have become full-blown methamphetamine addicts as a result), the car was designed by Afghani engineers, commissioned by NASCAR executives in 2002. Many operations conducted by these terrorist groups who engineered the car, including the 2005 London bombings, appear to be at least partially funded by NASCAR.
In response to Lush For Life’s breaking news, currently suspended New York Islanders left winger Chris Simon has taken upon himself to implement his violent tactics from the hockey rink and focus it to fighting NASCAR. Simon, who was suspended for 25 games in March for hitting another player in the face with his hockey stick, was arrested Sunday following the Ford City 500. Simon was apprehended after he attempted to run over driver Juan Pablo Montoya in Montoya’s own #42 car.
“Montoya doesn’t deserve that number,” Simon screamed while being carried off by the arresting officers. “Only Tillman wears the 42! Montoya must die!” Simon said.
Simon, along with many other athletes, has gone on record as a sympathizer and supporter of the late Pat Tillman, the former Arizona Cardinals safety who was gunned down in eastern Afghanistan during friendly fire in 2002. According to Simon, only Tillman is honorable enough to wear the number 42, which he wore while earning All-American honors as a defensive standout at Arizona State.
“We need to fight for him, and taking out Montoya and bringing down NASCAR and the terrorists is priority number one,” Simon said to fellow Tillman sympathizer and Lush For Life correspondent Rob Johnson.
Attempting to join Simon’s cause is former NHL player Steve Moore, who was injured in his own hockey incident in 2004. Moore was sucker-punched from behind by Vancouver Canucks forward Todd Bertuzzi, falling to the ice and sustaining three broken vertebrae, ending his playing career. He has since been rehabilitating so he can pursue his dream of following in Tillman’s footsteps by joining the US Army Rangers. Moore’s cause was cut short, Monday, when he was unable to perform one single pull-up and failed his physical.
When asked if the alleged link between NASCAR and terrorist groups will be investigated, President George W. Bush said, “Yeah, I like it,” and later asked where he could get his very own “Car of Tomorrow”.

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