Mother Nature And Aliens Square Off


DETROIT – After an unprecedented number of Major League Baseball games during the first week of the 2007 season were cancelled due to a variety of cold and inclement weather , suspicions arose at the Lush For Life Headquarters regarding the true reason for the cancellations.
The cancellations of baseball games has been well documented in the past, usually for rain or some other reason that limits the players from performing. This past week, however, games were cancelled due to “cold weather”, most notably in Toronto, where the Blue Jays play in a dome with a retractable roof. Our piqued interests led to a full investigation led by this reporter, with the assistance of three dozen drunk and methamphetamine addicted chimps, as well as hundreds of global correspondents that our editorial staff exposes to monthly sessions of shock therapy and keep on a very short leash. As a daunting example of a successful American company, our torture has paid off in spades as our investigative team has uncovered yet another conspiracy involving aliens and their well-documented mind-control tactics and their control of Major League Baseball – this time implicating not only washed up filmmakers, but none other than Mother Nature herself.
According to Lush For Life correspondent and lover of Mother Nature Rob Johnson, a rebel sect of extra-terrestrial beings with compulsive gambling problems recently hosted an underground poker tournament from their luscious suite at the Trump Taj Mahal Casino Resort in Atlantic City, with Mother Nature as their special guest.
Knowing of her gambling disorder, the aliens quickly got Mother Nature hooked on Omaha Hi-Lo, prompting her to continue gambling in what turned into a 60-hour binge. After losing all of her savings and biological control of the West African bank to mythic Scientology figurehead Xenu, Mother Nature quickly began placing daily weather status antes into the pot, according to Johnson. Mother Nature’s string of cold cards continued, and after her 60-hour debacle she had forfeited almost all of her control of weather in the month of April to the sly aliens, with exception to a handful of scattered days in the first week of the month.
With control of the weather situation for all but a few days in the month of April now at their disposal, the sect of gambling aliens who had just hit a lucky streak could now further the mind-control tactics through baseball telecasts. One alien made a statement to Lush For Life correspondent Rob Johnson, who had come out of the 60-hour game a full $23 richer, through a metaphysical interpreter:
“Now we no longer need the assistance of peons like Kevin Costner – we have the weather on our side,” the unnamed alien said. “We will still keep Costner on the payroll, however, along with a number of other minions including the ghost of Shoeless Joe Jackson and a collection of politicians who will remain nameless at this time.”
In response to the aliens’ cocky behavior, Mother Nature lashed out with a string of bizarre weather patterns on the days she still controlled, forcing several baseball games to be cancelled that would have otherwise been played and furthered alien mind-control over the unassuming world population.
Following the cancellation of the game between the Chicago White Sox and Minnesota Twins on April 7, the Chicago-born White Sox fan and alleged alien conspirator Kevin Costner went on record with a Lush For Life chimp in an exclusive interview, saying, “I had nothing to do with this cancelled game, or any other for that matter, nor did Joe Jackson or anyone else your publication suspects to be involved with aliens.” Costner also added while wearing a dead, blank stare, “I’d also like to state that the allegations your publication proposes about me are completely false.”
In a related story, Scientology figurehead Xenu quickly squandered all of his winnings he received from Mother Nature on the floor of the Trump Taj Mahal Casino to a group of oil company executives and nuclear plant representatives.

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