90s Cartoon Characters Behind Pet Food Poisoning


STREETSVILLE, ON – The recent string of pet food poisonings which has lead to the death of many North American cats has left the pet-lovers’ community shocked and terrified.
Menu Foods Income Fund, the holding company that owns the suspected brands, has recalled all of their wet pet food products in an attempt to quell the loss of life. Speculation is abounding as to the source of the poison in the popular pet brands – everything from gluten from China to misused pesticides have been accused of killing kitties across America. In a stunning revelation, Lush For Life has uncovered that this is one of the only examples of a greedy corporate giant actually not being responsible for its dangerous product. The real origin of the noxious nosh: the Biker Mice From Mars.
For those of you either too old or too young to remember, the Biker Mice from Mars were a semi-popular cartoon from the early 90s, starring three hardcore bro-mice who escaped from their home planet to Earth from an awful war against the Plutarkians (an evil fish-like race who exploit planets’ resources for their own selfish motives). After a week of intense journalistic investigation, this reporter has uncovered that the bros are back.
This reporter sat down with Throttle, the sunglass-wearing leader of the gang, outside of the group’s Chicago-based secret hideout. When I asked the majestic mouse why his biker gang had decided to wage a futile war on America’s pets, he spilled the whole story. “Well Dunc, my man, we’ve had kind of a slow decade. Modo (the one-eyed, robot-armed monster of the group) got really into the jazz scene and joined a band, and Vinnie (the self-proclaimed ‘lady-killer’) had a bit of a spiritual crisis after trying some LSD in 1996. I myself had been struggling with a bad relationship on and off for the last six years. About six month ago, we discovered that the Plutarkians were back.
“Disguised in clever human costumes, they’ve been running a few powerful US companies, and we decided to come out of retirement and kick some selfish, fish-faced ass! In the last year or so, we’ve done really well. Perhaps you’ve heard about the fall of Tyco, Enron, and MCI WorldCom – all Plutarkian run companies that we’ve exposed behind the scenes. Recently we’ve discovered that the Plutarkians are now in league with the evil Catatonians. These disgusting cat-like creatures have infiltrated all walks of human life here on Earth, hiding themselves amongst us as cute, lovable pets, all while they plotted to gain further control over Halliburton. We had to strike back somehow. We knew there would be colatteral damage, but what could we do?”
Throttle’s assertions that evil cat and fish-like creatures from outer space have overtaken our corporate structure seem completely logical. How else would you explain the completely inhumane treatment that employees of companies like Tyco and Enron inflict on their poor peons? Catatonians are known for their greed and evil ways – Supreme Commander of the Catatonian invaders, Hannibal T. Hairball is dedicated to his goal of turning every planet in the solar system into a massive litter box, capable of supporting Catatonian life. Strip mining, clear cutting of forests and starting Middle Eastern wars are all part of his heinous plot. So I ask you, Dear Reader, can we really afford to take the contaminated cat chow off store shelves? I think not. It’s time we, as a people, take a stand and fight with the Biker Mice from Mars to stop evil, greedy half-humans from destroying our world.

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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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