The Sensation In The Sludge


NEW YORK – Last week, as the 2008 presidential frontrunners Senator Hillary Clinton and Senator Barack Obama exchanged early blows over everything from comments made by David Geffen calling the Clintons liars to who they thought was going to win the Academy Award for best foreign film, and even over which the bigger news story was: Anna Nicole Smith dropping dead or Britney Spears’ breakdowns. Clearly the two campaigns had come to political deadlock over the issues and basic philosophical ideology.
After a week of back and forth stabs at personal integrity, credibility, race, and gender, the glove was thrown down by the Clinton campaign Thursday afternoon, challenging Obama to face Clinton in a no-holds-barred mud wrestling fight. At first, the Obama camp was weary over the idea of getting down and dirty with an experienced Capitol Hill brawler, but they finally agreed after a senior Clinton advisor called Obama a “big fat doodoo head” and made a “yo-momma” crack at the Senator’s expense.
Organized by the two campaigns and Don King, the fight was held Saturday night at Madison Square Gardens in New York City, after much negotiation and calling the Obama camp “sissies” for complaining about home field advantage for Hilary.
The spectacle kicked off with Prince playing a wailing rendition of “Eye of the Tiger” on a purple, phallic guitar, silhouetted against a psychedelic electro-light laser show. As the applause died down, the house lights were shut off as “2 Legit 2 Quit” began blasting over the loudspeakers and a high-powered spot focused on Barack Obama at the North Entrance striding to the ring, draped in a fantastic Oriental robe, surrounded by his posse of campaign advisors and finance analysts. David Plouffe, a partner in AKP Media and Obama’s National Campaign manager, stood on the ropes to allow Obama to duck into the muddy pit. As he flung his robe to an attractive young intern screaming in political ecstasy, Obama revealed his glistening frame and boxer shorts.
As Hilary Clinton entered the stadium in her latex body suite and fishnets, the crowd broke into a frenzy like a troop of apes on PCP. With one hand clutching the top rope, she flung her gleaming body over the posts and landed squatting and scowling three feet from her launch site. Her oiled skin glowed in the halogens as she screamed, beat her chest, and flexed her thigh muscles. Obama was visibly shaken by the tremendous display of ferocious rage.
When the bell sounded, the silence in the arena was deafening. Clinton lunged at Obama’s throat while the echoes of the bell were still vibrating through the assembly. Obama, clearly surprised at the speed of the attack, was thrown down into the mud, but quickly regained his composure, proving that he is starting to get the hang of political fights. Using his over-sized head, he drove his skull into Hilary’s nose. Stunned, screaming, and gushing blood, Clinton jumped to her feet and began flailing her arms, beating Obama about the face and neck. The pair of opinionated opponents was soon rolling in the mud, throwing vicious elbows, knees, and palm-punches to each other’s groin areas – below the belt attacks are common amongst hardened campaign runners.
For seven solid minutes, the mud became Hell on earth. Many in the crowd held their breaths, mothers covered their children’s eyes while grown men wept openly, and some with weaker constitutions violently vomited because of the shear brutality of the dirt-covered carnage unfolding before them.
When Obama finally maneuvered behind Clinton and had her clenched in a sleeper hold with his fingernails drawing blood from her throat, gasps were heard as the end of the chaos was in sight, but Clinton had other plans. Close to the edge of the ring, Hilary somehow found the strength to reach over the side of the squared circle and grabbed the ring bell. Ripping it from its bolts, Clinton swung the heavy gong against the side of Barrack’s head, knocking him off his feet. With the famous counter-attack speed she is so well know for, Clinton struck the fallen Obama again and again in the face with the blunt instrument. The sound of the bell beating the swelling flesh will not soon leave the memories of those present. When Clinton was finally pulled off the unconscious Junior Senator from Illinois, she raised a bloody fist in victory and let out a bone-chilling scream.
Although the fight puts an end to the first round of political infighting and mud slinging, Fox news has reported that “many” still believe that this is not the end of this sort of method of political dispute settling. Speculation already abounds over the possibility of a McCain/Giuliani cage match being scheduled sometime in early April.

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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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