NEW YORK – Last week, as the 2008 presidential frontrunners Senator Hillary Clinton and Senator Barack Obama exchanged early blows over everything from comments made by David Geffen calling the Clintons liars to who they thought was going to win the Academy Award for best foreign film, and even over which the bigger news story was: Anna Nicole Smith dropping dead or Britney Spears’ breakdowns. Clearly the two campaigns had come to political deadlock over the issues and basic philosophical ideology. Continue Reading

NEW PORT RICHEY, FL- Chaos erupted at a local Starbucks after 37-year-old William “Jook-Daddy” Clements allegedly lost his pants while ordering a latte, inadvertently exposing his genitalia to several underage high school students.
Jook-Daddy, advised by his court-appointed public defender to abstain from addressing the media, could not be reached for comment. Witnesses to the incident say that just moments before the exhibitionism, Clements was seated in a plush chair near a shelf of exotic spiced teas rhyming into a microphone attached to his laptop computer.
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HOLLYWOOD – Most of your run-of-the-mill, fatigued news outlets will be serving up all the traditional yawning commentary on this year’s Academy Awards, consisting of personal attacks at [enter here] and the dress he/she was wearing, as well as your household groans vibrating from your local conservative talk radio dial, giving the bulk of the general public what to think about Hollywood, and how the liberals have completely taken over. The McCarthy trials only scratched the surface, according to some of these swine. What we really need is to stretch Clooney and Eastwood out on a rack, pour boiling acid on their genitals, and really find out how red these liberal-masked communists really are.
Not here, however. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – Yesterday, Junior Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.) introduced a resolution to debate a non-binding resolution proposing that the US rejoin the British Commonwealth.
Our roving correspondent, Arthur Rocks, put on his reporter’s diaper and took the first plane to Washington.
He wasn’t hoping for much of a story. He guessed that Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III was feeling neglected by the press from his outsider position of being the only member of the Senate not running for President, nor claiming custody of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. Continue Reading

LAS VEGAS – Following the results of the NBA’s annual spectacle of the league’s most talented players, league commissioner David Stern, along with several team owners, are planning to send the once revered, respected American sport in a bold new direction.
Though the results of the game are not confirmed (because no one actually stayed to watch the entire event), reports out of Las Vegas indicate that the Western Conference emerged victorious 153-132 over the East.  Most of the game action, according to reports gathered from random crumpled napkins and discarded box scores drenched in vomit found in a dumpster outside a local Las Vegas strip club by Vegas titty-bar regular and Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks, the game mostly consisted of undefended, full-court passes, followed by monstrous slam dunks that would make John Amaechi wince in disgust between blow jobs and huffs of amyl nitrate.  Tickets for the game sold for $25,000, with most of the proceeds going towards commissioner Stern’s new business plans. Continue Reading

You guys in the States are kind of confused.
You have all these ideas about what the rest of the world thinks about you, but you don’t really understand.
An American told me the other day that the dollar would cease to exist as a form of international currency, because the Euro will take over.
Then there is that urban legend about traveling with a maple leaf on all of your personal possessions – in case you become the victim of a hate crime against Americans. Continue Reading

In a monthly periodical, you, the readers of Lush For Life, can submit questions to Danny Albertson, which he will forward on to Brett Favre, in their ongoing conversations.
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