March Badness: A New Low In Organized Sport


ATLANTA – Traveling to the site of this year’s Final Four showdown has revealed new facts explaining the overwhelming popularity of college basketball’s annual 64-team tournament.
An in-depth investigation conducted by a team of investigators began at Lush For Life headquarters at the beginning of the men’s college basketball season, designed to evaluate the sport and its popularity.  What Lush For Life investigators found is that men’s college basketball is, for the most part, boring and terrible, with poor execution on both sides of the floor.  The game was very popular among our chimps, however, providing hours and hours of laughter for some of the most skilled and trained writers and floor-moppers on the planet.
Following a poll released as part of the investigation, Lush For Life investigators found that the majority of the American public agree with the chimps and find the game to be very entertaining.  The reason why the public found the game entertaining was still unresolved, which is where I come in.  Where detailed scientific investigation and statistical factual gatherings end, hardcore gonzo reporting begins.  Take a double shot of Stroh Rum and jump in, headfirst and eyes wide…
My investigative report first took me to Lubbock, Texas, where I could meet with one of my preferred people in the world – Bob Knight – and ask him what he thought about this whole issue.  I figure the man who has won more games in the sport than any other person in history should have a reasonable opinion.
“What do you want to know?” he asked, wiping the sweat from his brow during a break in a practice session.  It was the only time I had to meet with him, seeing that he was getting his team ready for the tournament.
“Why is college basketball so popular?  Is it because it’s bad and funny, or because it is a good example of competitive, exciting basketball?” I asked him.
“What kinda stupid question is that?  What kind of faggot do you take me for?” Knight asked me, and before I could respond with a witty, sarcastic retort, he lunged at me, grasping for my throat.  Luckily, I was traveling on the newly purchased Lush For Life 747, and I was able to bring along a pair of vicious chimps acting as personal bodyguards and drinking buddies, and they were able to foil his choke attempt.
My next stop found me in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, at LSU, hoping to contact and question recently retired women’s basketball coach Pokey Chatman.  Her retirement was unexpected and sudden, with much speculation surrounding her decision to step down, so I thought she would be more inclined to be honest and come clean about college basketball than the previously questioned Knight.
“College basketball isn’t all about perfection and winning,” Chatman said.  “As a coach, you are playing a huge role in a young person’s life that is looking for guidance and direction,” she said.
“Yeah, but have you ever watched it?  It’s missed shot after missed shot; missed defensive assignments, bad rebounding techniques, inept free-throw shooting… And that’s the men’s game.  I don’t even want to talk about the women,” I replied.  “Is it popular because it’s bad?” I asked her.
“Nobody appreciates the work we do,” she replied.  “This is exactly why I stepped down, because nobody understands us or what we are trying to do.  You need to leave,” she said as stood up and showed me the door.  Upon exiting the building, a group of female basketball players were heading down the hall towards Chatman’s office, with strap-on dildos and vibrators in their hand.
If these two icons of this sport are unable to help, then I figured I had only one other place to turn.  Is set course for Durham, North Carolina, and Mike Krzyzewski, the king-shit badass and most respected guy in the college basketball world.
“I know you’re serious about what you do,” I said to him, unmockingly for once.  “But seriously, step out of yourself, for a moment, and imagine watching college basketball.  Now tell me you watch it because it’s good.  I dare you.”
“I don’t know what you’re trying to prove,” Krzyzewski said, uncrossing his legs and leaning forward, talking intently.  “It’s not ethical to place your own opinions in the leads of your story, Mr. Albertson,” he said, “if you really are a journalist, as you say you are.  But to answer your question, I think college basketball is great for many reasons, one being its display of efficient basketball fundamentals and game play,” Krzyzewski responded.  “I’m calling security to remove you from campus, and I’m calling my friends at the IRS to look into all of Lush For Life’s tax information.”
After that experience, it was no wonder that Duke was Richard Nixon’s favorite school.

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