Largo Hates Homos


LARGO, FL – The city of progress took another giant stride in the direction of change Friday morning after firing City Manager Steve Stanton for wishing to don a dress and rule the city iron-fistedly as Susan Stanton.
Recently re-elected City Commissioner Mary Gray Black sponsored legislation calling for a removed, cordoned-off section of town, tentatively designated “the gaytto”. The bill would also allow for “gays only” bathrooms, water fountains, courtrooms, and a special section on the city bus line.
“We can’t have no fairies or trans-whatever-they-is deviants prancing around the good wholesome God fearin’ Christian folk, gayin’ shit up,” Black said. “I mean, have you ever been in one of them gay bars or sex shops? Those places reek of eau de sodomy. It’s all disgusting, if you ask me.”
It is Black who called the emergency meeting, which ended in Stanton’s termination.
The legislation includes a clause forcing all gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual, and transgender people to register if they plan on spending more than a week in Largo.
“The idea is, we would take a look at anyone driving a Volkswagen or any guy with good hair and well-groomed fingernails, paying special attention to body hair,” said Largo Sheriff Lester Aradi. “If we were suspicious that they were, um, a little different, we would hold them in a special cell. If they passed our straight tests, they would be free to go, but if they fail, we affix a special rainbow-colored triangle to their outer layer of clothing and let the go in the, um, gaytto.
The preliminary plans also allow for a rainbow colored wall topped with razor wire around a small, largely disenfranchised part of town.
“Them gays would be allowed to leave for eight hours a day,” said Black. “They could work and shop in special gay grocery stores, but we can’t have ‘em breathin’ all over our pertaters and such.”
According to Black, gay, lesbian, transsexual, and transgender people would then be forced back into their “gaytto”. The bill allows for the formation of a special branch of the Largo sheriff’s office called the Gaystapo.
“Basically, the Gaystapo would consist of about ten officers,” said Aradi. “They would be well-armed, with full body armor, and have 24/7 access to straight, soft-core porn.”
According to Aradi, the new police force would cost an additional $200 million annually.
Black plans to fund the changes in part with donations from the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, KS.
“Well, our church believes in the depravity of a godless people like them homa-sexuals,” said Preacher Jerom Zanchius. “We would sponsor any town that did anything like this.”
Accordingly, the Gaytto’s full name will potentially be “the Godhatesfags.com (but loves hatemongers) Gaytto”.
The bill has met with some condemnation. Largo Mayor Pat Gerard vehemently opposes the bill.
“Oh, God, I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit, excuse me,” she said. “This is the most asinine thing I have ever heard. I think I’m moving if this gets seconded.”
According to sources close to Black, which wish to remain anonymous due to potential for violent retribution, Black was once a man herself.
“I would go on the record, but the bitch is built like a brick shithouse,” said one anonymous source. “I used to clean her pools and I once saw her well defined package under a rather revealing bathing suit. I think she had that taken care of, though. You know, snip, snip.”
Most Largo residents wouldn’t respond to repeated attempts for comment, fearing lower property values and horrible reputations.
However, local activist Sandy Lears stated in an e-mail, “This is the most retarded, fucking ridiculous bullshit I’ve heard of.”
Not all residents of Largo hate the idea however.
“I love the shit,” said one, real-tree camouflage sporting Largo Resident. “Help me hoist these meats and shits into my new truck; it’s got a four-foot suspension raise. It’s a pain to keep goin’ up and down that dern ladder.”
The cost of the overall plan has been approximated to total at around $4.2 billion.

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