International Relations 101


You guys in the States are kind of confused.
You have all these ideas about what the rest of the world thinks about you, but you don’t really understand.
An American told me the other day that the dollar would cease to exist as a form of international currency, because the Euro will take over.
Then there is that urban legend about traveling with a maple leaf on all of your personal possessions – in case you become the victim of a hate crime against Americans.
Guys, guys… let’s take it from the beginning.
Remember when you were a teenager?
There were the cool girls, and the not-so-cool girls, and the very-not-cool-girls (who came in various flavors, like ugly/fat, stupid, hopelessly-socially-inept, and known-to-have-pubic-lice).
The cool girls were all pretty, usually smart, often sporty, and sometimes bitchy. They also knew they were cool, and they couldn’t help being arrogant about it.
And if you were not part of the in-crowd, you wished you were. And if something went badly for the Homecoming Queen, deep down it felt good. You got to watch her get hers, for a change.
Now… the Americans are the cool girls, and everyone knows this. They are the noisy, high profile, cool girls, who are up there with the rest of the alpha-crowd (that’s that sexy French bitch, the cute little Japanese girl, and those two quiet, leggy blondes, the Canadian and the Scandinavian).
And the American girl is exactly what you’d like to be, with her perfect teeth and her fancy little sports car that her friggin’ loaded parents gave her the day she got her driver’s license. And she’s at least a C cup, and all the guys want her… bitch!
Well, that was a while back. Look at her, now. She’s taken up with an abusive dry-drunk, who makes a fool of her in front of the whole class. Everyone wonders why such a smart girl stays with a bastard like him. He filled her iPod full of country & western shit and he wrecked her car, though he denies it. Her credit card’s maxed out for trying to please him, and her reputation’s in the dirt.
Everyone knows he’s just using her. He doesn’t really care about her because he’s in love with his own ego.

But somehow, these days, you’re past the point of feeling good about her shame. You’re at the stage where you don’t even want to look any more. It’s such a complete bugger up, that there’s no pleasure in seeing any girl in that situation.
Because she’s still seriously, I mean SERIOUSLY gorgeous. She belongs in the alpha-crowd. She’s smart, and she’s basically a nice person, and she’s got that neat accent (you know, the one from the movies, which is the second-most glamorous accent in the world, after the Froggy girl’s).
So the American Homecoming Queen’s tears have smeared her mascara, and her make-up doesn’t quite hide the bruises that Texan bastard left on her cheek. The cute Chinese chick has made off with the captain of the football team, and the Indian girl just got a scholarship to Yale.
Is the world still on America’s side?
Actually, yes.
Maybe we know you actually mean well? Maybe we all just grew up watching movies starring someone with that neat accent you have, wearing a white hat, saving the world?
(No, Bollywood accents don’t count. We grew up watching American movies.)
So you can leave the maple leaf at home when you head out to foreign climes. You can accept that your accent is cute. And the dollar, like Celine Dion’s heart, will go on.
But lose the Texan.

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