Intellectual Wigger Faces Indecent Exposure Charges


NEW PORT RICHEY, FL- Chaos erupted at a local Starbucks after 37-year-old William “Jook-Daddy” Clements allegedly lost his pants while ordering a latte, inadvertently exposing his genitalia to several underage high school students.
Jook-Daddy, advised by his court-appointed public defender to abstain from addressing the media, could not be reached for comment. Witnesses to the incident say that just moments before the exhibitionism, Clements was seated in a plush chair near a shelf of exotic spiced teas rhyming into a microphone attached to his laptop computer.

“Jook would always go there to record freestyle mixes,” said Clements’ cohort and fellow aspiring white rapper Jimmy Bristle. “That dude has talent. He’s an inspiration to us all. Plus, he’s smart. He’s already 12 credit-hours deep in community college.”
Audrey Miller, Clements’ barista that day, is singing a different tune. “That man was a nuisance,” Miller insists, “He’d come in every day and sit in the same place yelling into his laptop over this obnoxious drum and bass music. We finally told him that if he didn’t purchase a beverage, he wasn’t a customer and he could no longer loiter here, and then he dropped trou. Lindsay [Schneider, fellow barista] was so horrified that she accidentally blasted hot milk in her eye, causing her to become partially blinded and now she has to have a corneal transplant. Not cool.”
Clements’s maintains that the shoelace holding up his oversized JNCO Jeans broke, and that the entire incident was just a freak accident.
According to friends, Clements comes from modest beginnings and was unemployed at the time of the incident. “He was just trying to be compliant and buy a beverage,” explains Clements’ baby-mama, Shanice Richardson, whom is also unemployed. “He had to borrow $3.50 for that Grande Soy Mocha bullshit from my moms. Those baristas’ are a bunch of snooty-ass bitches.”
“I told Jook to take his rhymes elsewhere,” she continued, “but he insisted that Starbucks has the best Wi-Fi connection, and he is way too hard to be chillin’ at Panera Bread or FedEx/Kinko’s. He’s a real man and he ain’t down with that sissy-shit.”
Trial is set to occur after barista Lindsey Schneider’s ocular surgery so that she can be present to testify in court. Starbucks’ management is considering implementing mandatory safety- goggles for all employees in light of this recent tragedy.

*under the picture of the lyrics was this caption, “lyrics sheet found on chair shortly after Jook’s arrest.”

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