Inane All-Star Game Leads NBA In New Direction


LAS VEGAS – Following the results of the NBA’s annual spectacle of the league’s most talented players, league commissioner David Stern, along with several team owners, are planning to send the once revered, respected American sport in a bold new direction.
Though the results of the game are not confirmed (because no one actually stayed to watch the entire event), reports out of Las Vegas indicate that the Western Conference emerged victorious 153-132 over the East.  Most of the game action, according to reports gathered from random crumpled napkins and discarded box scores drenched in vomit found in a dumpster outside a local Las Vegas strip club by Vegas titty-bar regular and Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks, the game mostly consisted of undefended, full-court passes, followed by monstrous slam dunks that would make John Amaechi wince in disgust between blow jobs and huffs of amyl nitrate.  Tickets for the game sold for $25,000, with most of the proceeds going towards commissioner Stern’s new business plans.
According to reports gathered by Lush For Life’s decisive and gifted team of chimpanzees, Stern met with a coalition of Las Vegas hotel and casino owners to launch a new reality show featuring the disgraced and former heavyweight champion boxer Mike Tyson.  Some of Stern’s efforts to gather funds were foiled by Dallas Mavericks owner and international business swindler Mark Cuban, who scalped more than 10,000 of the already overpriced tickets to purchase legitimate and accredited high school diplomas, which he plans on giving to every player in the NBA.
“These players have made it so far in life and become successful, yet still lack that ever-elusive high school diploma,” Cuban said to high school dropout and Lush For Life correspondent Rob Johnson.  “Now, because of my efforts, if these players happen to become injured and find themselves out of the game, they can at least get a job at their local McDonald’s or Hess station,” Cuban said.
After being slighted by Cuban, Stern reportedly continued with his new and surely profitable vision of turning Mike Tyson into even more of a spectacle, with the help of another fellow insane and soon-to-be out of work athlete, Tennessee Titans defensive back Pacman Jones.
Jones is currently under investigation as an accomplice in a shooting that occurred at a strip club in Las Vegas during All-Star weekend.  The oft-troubled football player/drug dealer/thug Jones was reportedly in possession of over $180,000 in cash while at the strip club, and claims he was intending to meet with Stern following his champagne and coke fueled bling-binge at the strip club to invest in the new Tyson reality show.
“Dat muhfuhkuh need a ‘lil help froms some ‘o his brodas,” Jones said to a crew of two-dozen scurrying, coked-up chimpanzee reporters outside of the Bellagio Hotel and Casino.  The reality show, according to Stern, is scheduled to begin production in April, with its flagship broadcast featuring a highly anticipated boxing match between Tyson and new skinhead starlet Britney Spears.
“We feel that Britney needs a new start in life,” Stern said to Lush For Life senior boxing analyst and freelance psychiatric professional Arthur Rocks, “and what better way than for her to get back on track than on the coattails of Mike Tyson?”
According to Stern, the winner of the bout will receive all legal rights to recently deceased Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter, Dannie Lynn Hope.  The two fighters are excited about the possibility of obtaining the rights to Hope, and offer vastly different outlooks on how they will handle her upon victory.
“I plan on putting her in the media spotlight at a young age, like I was,” Spears said to Rob Johnson, “I’ll bring her up and try to make a profit like my parents did to me.  It’s the only sensible thing to do, and I’m sure she’ll turn out okay,” Spears said, who apparently recently shaved her head to begin her training and boxing preparation.
Tyson’s view was slightly different.  “That little bald bitch couldn’t last two minutes in my world,” Tyson said, “I don’t normally ‘ssociate [sic] wit’ bitches ‘less I’m fornicatin’ wit’ ‘em.”  Tyson added, “I’m gonna make gravy outta her white pussy, and I don’t give a shit ‘bout dat other little whitey pussy, neither… I’ll grind her up and put her in my new etouffee recipe.”
Regardless on the outcome of the bout, the next step will be to launch the Tyson reality show – which will follow him throughout his daily life, and all of the hilarity of beating up old men at bakeries, and punching out crippleds for handicapped parking spaces will ensue.
Though the topic is still up for debate, Stern, Jones, and other fellow investors are toying with the idea of having Spears crucified directly on The Strip after the fight, which will be broadcast on pay-per-view for $49.99, which is expected to exceed all assets gained from next year’s NBA All-Star weekend.

I’ll grind her up and put her in my new etouffee recipe.

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