Entire Republican Party Stricken With Cancer

WASHINGTON – One day following the announcement of Democratic Presidential hopeful John Edwards’ wife, Elizabeth, is afflicted with the saddest of all cancers, breast cancer, the Republican party rebounded with some vote-getting news of their own: every member of the Republican Party, including the Executive Branch, the Senate, House of Representatives, Cabinet Members, and even registered voters, has cancer.

White House press secretary Tony Snow’s Friday morning announcement about removing a growth in his abdomen was a mere primer for the revelations to follow. An hour after Snow’s unfortunate message, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales revealed that his US attorney firing spree was really just a case of lashing out after he discovered that he has inoperable colon cancer.

Senator Pat Ward (R-IA), a strong proponent against the banning of smoking in public, reported the he suffers from throat cancer, himself, and therefore his views on smoking in restaurants should be twice as valid. Much like President Bush, whose second cousin’s sister-in-law’s nephew recently enlisted in the US Navy, Ward is willing to “take one for the team” to secure our personal freedom.

The unmarried Republican Governor of Florida, Charlie Crist, has revealed that he has been battling testicular cancer since he was 13. The cancer, he explained, is the reason he has not wed, for fear of a woman seeing his grossly misshapen scrotum. The only person of importance to know about his affliction is former staffer Jason Wetherington, who described the Governor’s testicles as “icky”.

Even people who traditionally vote Republican are getting what can only be described as “sympathy cancer”, with registered Republicans filling up oncologist offices quicker than you can say, “vote Republican”.

President George “Dubya” Bush himself has announced that he is also afflicted with this terrible, vote-getting, sympathy-culling disease. Not to be outdone by the Edwards’ sad tale, Bush announced last night in a televised interview with Barbara Walters, Katie Couric, and Oprah Winfrey, through tears and unintelligible syllables (even more-so than usual), that he is stricken with brain cancer.

Of course, Bush’s bout with brain cancer is a surprise to only 29 percent of the American polling public. For years, the president has stumbled on and about and around the English language, thoroughly trouncing every trace of intelligibility into oblivion, causing people to assume that the man is a simpleton. This thinking is wrong, however, since Bush’s brain cancer covers from the Broca’s Area to the Wernicke’s Area, both of which affect his speech drastically. Bush is not so much a retard, it seems, as he is a mental handicapped patriot.

Of course, this is expected to be a big boom for the Republican Party, as the American people are known to vote on pure feeling rather than on trivial things like issues and political ideals. No more is it liberal and conservative, but it is benign and malignant.

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama has taken up smoking, and is inhaling at least two packs a day to inflict himself with lung cancer. “I am a patriot, first and foremost,” he said between drags of his Camel unfiltered cigarette, “and I am willing to put life an lung on the line for the [cough] American people.”

Hilary Clinton has taken to sleeping with random men in all-night orgies of unprotected sex in hopes of contracting AIDS, a sure-fire bet to win the hearts of the American people.

“If I can just get as many votes as there are red ribbons,” she proclaimed while on her naked back at a Salt Lake City press conference, “Oh, oh, oh, GAWD YES!”

In a race that was sure to be decided on such an arbitrary thing like the war in Iraq, it is refreshing to know that politicians are willing to sacrifice their own well-being in order to win the hearts, but not the minds, of the American voting public.

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Dr. Egbert Sousé is a columnist and the Senior Editor for Lush For Life.Born and raised in the rural Deep South, Dr. Sousé attended University of Vanderbilt, where he received his Bachelor's Degree in Mass Media, then going on to Georgetown for his Master's, and eventually graduating from Brown University with a Doctorate Degree in English, where he studied under the highly respected writer and journalist Dr. Leonard Epstein.Dr. Sousé has written articles for a variety of publications, including Newsweek, Time, and The Boston Globe.When not working, Dr. Sousé enjoys spending his leisure time at the local horse tracks, where he places two dollar bets and attempts to make contact with extra-terrestrial life.He currently lives in Tampa, Florida, and during the summer months he resides at his remote villa in Key West, Florida, where he enjoys drinking home-made Absinthe while he continues to complete his Great American Novel.

4 Responses to “Entire Republican Party Stricken With Cancer” Subscribe

  1. Buck Bailey March 29, 2007 at 3:52 pm #

    The parady is disgusting!!

  2. Duncan Idaho March 30, 2007 at 9:56 am #

    Disgusting? I don’t think I read one line about eating vomit or ripping open puppies with your teeth… It might be a little edgy… or could even be seen as being in bad taste if you have no sense of humor. But disgusting? No.

  3. Egbert Sousè March 30, 2007 at 10:53 am #

    “Hilary Clinton… her naked back at a Salt Lake City press conference, ‘Oh, oh, oh, GAWD YES!’”

    Well, that is pretty damned disgusting.

  4. Dave April 8, 2007 at 7:05 pm #

    That’s hilarious!

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