Congress To Debate US Non-binding Resolution To Join British Commonwealth.


WASHINGTON – Yesterday, Junior Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.) introduced a resolution to debate a non-binding resolution proposing that the US rejoin the British Commonwealth.
Our roving correspondent, Arthur Rocks, put on his reporter’s diaper and took the first plane to Washington.
He wasn’t hoping for much of a story. He guessed that Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III was feeling neglected by the press from his outsider position of being the only member of the Senate not running for President, nor claiming custody of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.

What he found was quite different. Sessions has been working like crazy to block the Democrats’ anti-war and anti-surge debates and resolutions, and in the process he has become completely cuckoo.
He apparently started by digging through every arcane rule of the Senate, hoping that the Republicans would never have to choose between doing what their constituents want and taking a stand against the President. He ended up getting completely sucked into the essentially British origins of the US Congress, losing his sanity in the process.
When Rocks arrived, the Senator was wearing a checked dress shirt with a bow tie, plus-fours, knee-high socks, a moth-eaten tartan shooting jacket, and a bowler hat. He was carrying an umbrella, which seemed unnecessary, given that he was indoors on a cloudless day.
He insisted that Rocks partake of hot tea served in a fragile bone-china cup, with shortbread and cucumber sandwiches. His hands shook with enthusiasm as he explained the importance of reconnecting with our British roots.
“Most of the first Americans were British, and they created Congress, a glorious institution. We don’t need to stall processes in Congress by spending our time naming Post Offices. We merely need to get closer to the British mind-set. And I’m getting closer and closer to understanding this thinking. I’m even beginning to understand cricket.
“You have all these people standing around for days. They do almost nothing, while tens of thousands of people watch. It’s incredibly slow and the whole nation talks about it. Often, it rains, and they all simply sit and drink tea or warm beer. After five days, there is no result. And everyone pays a fortune for it. Don’t you see where Congress comes from?
“Then there is trainspotting. That’s where people stand around a railroad station for hours, in all kinds of weather, writing down numbers of passing railroad cars. The only objective is to see and record a lot of different railroad cars. It achieves absolutely nothing. And the trainspotters also claim that they contribute to the security of the nation!
“Congress needs to evolve to higher levels. We need egg-and-spoon races, nettle eating contests, and fêtes with tombola stalls. The high art of achieving absolutely nothing with the most enormous amount of ceremony, and many more inane speeches than we have now. None of this rubbish about missing money in Iraq, or accountability and ethics.
“Tenet, Franks, and Bremer got medals for their work for the Administration. It’s nothing on what I’m going to get.”
The Senator invited Rocks to be his guest at some events he was organizing that day – there was a choice between a cheese-rolling contest (centrist Republicans vs. conservative Bible Punchers) and some Maypole dancing in West Potomac Park.
Rocks discourteously boycotted both events on the grounds that he is a registered Independent. He also dumped his reporter’s diaper in a trashcan on Pennsylvania Avenue. This led to a major security alert, and the area was cordoned off for six hours as Washington security forces brought in substantial reinforcements to deal with the suspicious-object crisis.
Rocks has received a verbal warning from senior management, and sincere thanks from all the 24-hour news networks.

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