Al Qaeda Kingpin Confesses


GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA – At a closed door meeting of a top secret military tribunal, suspected Al Qaeda mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed admitted to planning and funding the September 11th attacks against the World Trade Center, the 1898 bombing of the USS Maine in Havana harbor, acknowledged his key role in planning the 1941 Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, conceded that he is, in fact, the true Queen of England, and repeated his longstanding request that no more red hot pokers be shoved up his ass nightly.
“I did it. I did it all,” he told the tribunal, according to transcripts released by the Pentagon last Thursday. “I plan all details of 9/11 operation, because I am engaged in a jihad, or holy war, against the United States. I hate freedom, liberty, and the American way, and so I sought to destroy them.”
“Please let fingernails grow back,” he added.
In a long and rambling statement, Mohammed made many dubious and self-aggrandizing claims about his central role in the al-Qaeda hierarchy. “I am Osama bin Laden’s right hand man,” he said. “Really. I come up with the idea for all plans. For 1993 World Trade Center bombing. Also I make sure Yoko Ono live while John Lennon die, just one meter away. I plan minimum 30 other operations, too. Make many biological weapons. Now you catch me. I pay Timothy McVeigh to blow up building. I am responsible. Me. Whatever you want. Only let me sleep one night without a soundtrack from ‘Grease 2’ sounding on infinite loop in the cell.”
Among the many other plans Mohammed claims responsibility for are the
“Shoe Bomber” plot; the assassinations of Presidents John F. Kennedy and James A. Garfield; plots to blow up the Empire State Building, the Sears Tower, Big Ben, the New York Stock Exchange, several American embassies, the Panama Canal, Heathrow Airport, Disneyworld, the Atlanta Six Flags, the Bali nightclub bombing; and the cancellation of the original “Star Trek” series.

“I wanted Klingons to win,” he explained.

Reading a prepared statement to reporters at his Texas ranch, President Bush was “extremely pleased” with the confession. “I gave our guys a free hand, and they came up with the goods, and I’ll say no more on that. Now, at last, our yearning to breathe free has been satisfied.” He declared al-Qaeda defeated, and indicated that Mohammed “is going to be locked away from the sweet light of liberty for a long, long time – the rest of his life.” March 10th was proclaimed “PepsiCo/Halliburton Freedom From Terror Day,” and reporters were issued complimentary T-shirts.
President Bush briefly fielded questions after his remarks. Asked how Mohammed could have committed terrorist acts sixty years before his birth, Bush replied, “These are extremely dangerous people we’re dealing with. He’s that clever, and we have to be prepared to do what it takes to fight that.”
When an indolent reporter from the Godless New York Times asked about Bush’s ongoing failure to fulfill his 2001 promise to capture Osama bin Laden “dead or alive,” Bush replied, “Look, I’m here to spread a positive message of hope. The American people have had enough of this liberal pessimism. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is behind bars and Saddam Hussein is dead. September 11th will not happen again, and that’s that.”
The press conference was abruptly terminated when the saucebox reporter further suggested that Hussein actually had nothing to do with the September 11th attacks. The reporter was quickly injected with sedatives and bundled away by the Secret Service, lest he spread his seditious message of subversion further, while the remaining reporters proceeded to the punch bowl and vegetable trays as a local children’s choir performed “God Bless America.”
Sheikh Mohammed was unavailable for comment as of press time. The Pentagon referred interview requests to the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base, where an unidentified man who answered the phone there denied that any prisoner by that name had ever been held at the facility.

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Hoping to create the world's first perfect FemBot, Mr. Payne achieved his Master's degrees in Artificial Intelligence and Linguistics. After the government pulled his funding, he took a position as a part time correspondent with Lush For Life. He continues to travel the globe, establishing numerous contacts for microchips and silicon enhancements on all seven continents.

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