GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA – At a closed door meeting of a top secret military tribunal, suspected Al Qaeda mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed admitted to planning and funding the September 11th attacks against the World Trade Center, the 1898 bombing of the USS Maine in Havana harbor, acknowledged his key role in planning the 1941 Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, conceded that he is, in fact, the true Queen of England, and repeated his longstanding request that no more red hot pokers be shoved up his ass nightly. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – One day following the announcement of Democratic Presidential hopeful John Edwards’ wife, Elizabeth, is afflicted with the saddest of all cancers, breast cancer, the Republican party rebounded with some vote-getting news of their own: every member of the Republican Party, including the Executive Branch, the Senate, House of Representatives, Cabinet Members, and even registered voters, has cancer.
White House press secretary Tony Snow’s Friday morning announcement about removing a growth in his abdomen was a mere primer for the revelations to follow. An hour after Snow’s unfortunate message, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales revealed that his US attorney firing spree was really just a case of lashing out after he discovered that he has inoperable colon cancer.
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I’m a troop-hating, flag-burning, terrorist-loving, communist hypocrite – and although I only recently discovered this, I know it to be true because I heard it on a Clearchannel radio show. It’s not just me, either; it’s everyone who’s not a card-carrying member of the Republican Party. One of these days, Mark Levin’s whiney, girlish voice, so lovingly-laced with insanity, is going to drive me to break my teeth with my steering wheel. At least Rush is a few octaves lower. Continue Reading

LARGO, FL – The city of progress took another giant stride in the direction of change Friday morning after firing City Manager Steve Stanton for wishing to don a dress and rule the city iron-fistedly as Susan Stanton.
Recently re-elected City Commissioner Mary Gray Black sponsored legislation calling for a removed, cordoned-off section of town, tentatively designated “the gaytto”. The bill would also allow for “gays only” bathrooms, water fountains, courtrooms, and a special section on the city bus line. Continue Reading

LYNCHBURG, VA – With the discovery of the Microraptor gui, archeologists have attempted to fill in another evolutionary gap. But the excitement surrounding the world of paleontology has come crashing to a halt. Dr. Henry Rachling, a professor at Liberty University, has made a critical discovery.
After years of investigation, Dr. Rachling has discovered a vast network of scientists with the primary function of fabricating fossil matter. Rachling claims that this group goes under the covert title, “The Organization for the Furtherment of David Hasselhoff’s Music.” Rachling says that the group has members throughout the world, although there is a dense concentration of these people in Germany. The professor also insists that these scientists are funded by the “secular left.” Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – President Bush has asked the American people to give his troop-surge plan time to work. Although sending in 20,000 extra troops may seems like W’s most retarded plan since he tried to save on laundry bills by wearing his underwear on the outside of his clothes, a White House source has informed Lush For Life that this troop increase is a small part of the President’s broader strategy.

As the Iraqi civilian death toll reaches about 60,000, and this number continues to rise rapidly, our source divulged exactly what it is that Bush is attempting. “Operation Clean Slate” is designed to slowly kill every Iraqi… ever. The President hopes that once the insurgents, and American boo-boos, kill all of the Iraqi citizens, the insurgents will be much easier to knock off. When the country’s population reaches zero, George Walker Bush will implement what we are told is his greatest plan to date. Continue Reading

TAMPA – As the beginning of 2007 Major League Baseball season looms, we find ourselves in the middle of spring training, with many of the questions that have been asked in seasons past being asked once again, and many of the issues baseball has half-heartedly limped towards fixing still kicking America’s pastime in the rear. Lush For Life will attempt to sort through all of the nonsense and give all of our dear readers a clear-sighted view of what to expect this upcoming year. Continue Reading

People like to be comfortable.
Lush For Life confirmed this when we created a thirty-second advertisement for Dodge pick-up trucks. We thought it was hilarious. It featured two 400 pound, truck-driving Muslim lesbians in rainbow burqas.
Unfortunately, it really bombed with the focus groups. All the Dodge owners in the audience left in a hurry to trade in their pick-ups (they got a group discount on the Ford F-150), and the agency fired L4L on the grounds that our work makes people uncomfortable. Continue Reading

ATLANTA – Traveling to the site of this year’s Final Four showdown has revealed new facts explaining the overwhelming popularity of college basketball’s annual 64-team tournament.
An in-depth investigation conducted by a team of investigators began at Lush For Life headquarters at the beginning of the men’s college basketball season, designed to evaluate the sport and its popularity.  What Lush For Life investigators found is that men’s college basketball is, for the most part, boring and terrible, with poor execution on both sides of the floor.  The game was very popular among our chimps, however, providing hours and hours of laughter for some of the most skilled and trained writers and floor-moppers on the planet. Continue Reading

NEW YORK – In the wake of wild and still ongoing stock market drops, hordes of angry investors have descended upon lower Manhattan in an apparent expression of spontaneous rage. The collective action seems to have no leader, no motto, and no plan, save the wreaking of vengeance upon the large investment banks that the mob identifies as the source of these unruly fluctuations. Continue Reading