Lush For Life

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA – At a closed door meeting of a top secret military tribunal, suspected Al Qaeda mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed admitted to planning and funding the September 11th attacks against the World Trade Center, the 1898 bombing of the USS Maine in Havana harbor, acknowledged his key role in planning the 1941 Japanese [...]

WASHINGTON – One day following the announcement of Democratic Presidential hopeful John Edwards’ wife, Elizabeth, is afflicted with the saddest of all cancers, breast cancer, the Republican party rebounded with some vote-getting news of their own: every member of the Republican Party, including the Executive Branch, the Senate, House of Representatives, Cabinet Members, and even [...]

I’m a troop-hating, flag-burning, terrorist-loving, communist hypocrite – and although I only recently discovered this, I know it to be true because I heard it on a Clearchannel radio show. It’s not just me, either; it’s everyone who’s not a card-carrying member of the Republican Party. One of these days, Mark Levin’s whiney, girlish voice, [...]

LARGO, FL – The city of progress took another giant stride in the direction of change Friday morning after firing City Manager Steve Stanton for wishing to don a dress and rule the city iron-fistedly as Susan Stanton. Recently re-elected City Commissioner Mary Gray Black sponsored legislation calling for a removed, cordoned-off section of town, [...]

LYNCHBURG, VA – With the discovery of the Microraptor gui, archeologists have attempted to fill in another evolutionary gap. But the excitement surrounding the world of paleontology has come crashing to a halt. Dr. Henry Rachling, a professor at Liberty University, has made a critical discovery. After years of investigation, Dr. Rachling has discovered a [...]

WASHINGTON – President Bush has asked the American people to give his troop-surge plan time to work. Although sending in 20,000 extra troops may seems like W’s most retarded plan since he tried to save on laundry bills by wearing his underwear on the outside of his clothes, a White House source has informed Lush [...]

TAMPA – As the beginning of 2007 Major League Baseball season looms, we find ourselves in the middle of spring training, with many of the questions that have been asked in seasons past being asked once again, and many of the issues baseball has half-heartedly limped towards fixing still kicking America’s pastime in the rear. [...]

People like to be comfortable. Lush For Life confirmed this when we created a thirty-second advertisement for Dodge pick-up trucks. We thought it was hilarious. It featured two 400 pound, truck-driving Muslim lesbians in rainbow burqas. Unfortunately, it really bombed with the focus groups. All the Dodge owners in the audience left in a hurry [...]

ATLANTA – Traveling to the site of this year’s Final Four showdown has revealed new facts explaining the overwhelming popularity of college basketball’s annual 64-team tournament. An in-depth investigation conducted by a team of investigators began at Lush For Life headquarters at the beginning of the men’s college basketball season, designed to evaluate the sport [...]

NEW YORK – In the wake of wild and still ongoing stock market drops, hordes of angry investors have descended upon lower Manhattan in an apparent expression of spontaneous rage. The collective action seems to have no leader, no motto, and no plan, save the wreaking of vengeance upon the large investment banks that the [...]