Yah Gotta Make ‘Em Wanna

George W. Bush is looking to his legacy and is not happy with the way it is being presented. 

The President is a simple kind of a guy, and doesn’t hold with a “Bush Doctrine” that has fancy concepts such as “Preemptive unilateral military action” from a base of “strength beyond challenge” to “extend democracy, liberty, and security to all regions of the world.”

Our roving correspondent, Arthur Rocks, attended a White House press conference to ask Mr. Bush to explain. The President clarified: “It’s really simple. You gotta make ’em wanna. People don’t always do the right thing. And it’s because they don’t really wanna. So, they have to be made to wanna.”

Yes, the American people have been slow to get the point, but gradually we are beginning to see the genius of our leader’s philosophy. If people don’t think like you do, you simply need enough troops to bring them around to seeing things your way.

The first commercial application of the principle was by a small events planning company, Elephant Events. They needed to produce a flawless wedding, but were challenged by the groom’s mother, who did not approve of his bride. The creative planners, however, ensured that the new mother-in-law behaved perfectly through the entire event, as she was placed between by two guards armed with 75,000-volt tazers. 

She simply needed some motivation. And of course they wore gardenia lapel pins. 

Elephant Events (EE Inc.) has since franchised their technology. Several large call centers now employ EE’s people to patrol the operators’ cubicles. Staff who surf the Internet receive 50,000 volts for a first offence, and 100,000 volts thereafter. Anyone gossiping at the water-cooler is pistol-whipped after three minutes of chitchat.

Performance management and motivation theorists are beyond impressed.

Jerry Falwell is working with venture capitalists to create a new initiative using “gotta make them wanna” technology.  This will be called “Set Your Child Straight”, and Vice-President Dick Cheney has already signed up his daughter Mary for the program. Ted Haggard, famed Crystal Methodist and male prostitute expert, has applied for the position of P.R. Director with the new company, as he is now completely heterosexual.

Both the Federal Government and individual States are looking into the possibilities offered by the President’s insights into human psychology.

The Louisiana Dept of Health and the National Guard will be working together on a joint project, which both reduce obesity and clean up some Katrina debris. “Lift and Carry for Your Health” will use only rubber bullets.

The Department of Education has a more robust approach. Any Child Left Behind will be shot.

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