The Sophistication Of NASCAR Revealed

DAYTONA, FL – As the inaugural race of the upcoming NASCAR season looms, critics of the widely popular “sport” have begun to fade, as startling facts regarding the truly sophisticated nature of the presumably simplistic ongoing series of left turns come to light.

A team of graduate students from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology abandoned their usual tasks of discovering new scientific facts and developing new theories of the mysteries of the universe and were on location at the Daytona 500 qualifiers, studying the underlying science and beauty of NASCAR racing.

The students found NASCAR embodies much more complex scientific knowledge than once believed. “It may look like a bunch of rednecks hootin’ and hollerin’,” astrophysicist Anthony De Longis said to Lush For Life Senior NASCAR analyst Arthur Rocks, “but this sport requires an in-depth, detailed scientific knowledge of physics and complicated mathematics.”

According to De Longis’ findings, both the stock teams and the drivers of America’s most popular and incorrectly regarded as simple-minded sport possess the same amount of scientific understanding and mental ability as some of the most gifted scientists and physicists in the world.

“When yer driving yer car ‘round the track, you gotta have an innate ability to interpret centrifugal force if you wanna win,” driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. said. “Makin’ the turn is one thing, but havin’ a knowledge of modifyin’ molecular structures at high velocities will keep you on course and in the lead.”

Apparently, the drivers and technicians are not the only well-educated, intelligent people involved in NASCAR racing, according to De Longis. The spectators of the sport also enjoy the knowledge of physics.

“I was watchin’ ol’ Casey Mears pull his Chevy outta the rear,” said Mears Gang fan club member Hank Weatherby as he watched the qualifying race, “and I was figurin’ out what kinda mathematical equation that sumbitch musta been usin’ to get that dern muffler outta the gutters.”

Stan Grossman, Chairman of the Mears Gang, said that the club not only supports their driver, but also leads a cause to educate and inform fellow NASCAR fans of string theory. The string theory project is funded by many of Mears’ largest sponsors, including the National Guard, GMAC, and Texas Instruments.

“A lot of the drivers out there think that string theory really is the best answer we have to explain the universe,” Grossman said as an armadillo crawled underneath the front right wheel of Casey Mears’ number 42 car. “Casey drives the forty-two for a reason,” Grossman went on, “He believes in string theory and feels the word needs to get out. With such a complicated theory, you gotta believe: it’s the Mears.”

“I can actually feel the gravitons flowing through my body as I race around the course,” Mears said to armadillo expert and Lush For Life NASCAR correspondent Rob Johnson. “Us simple-minded drivers may like our cheap beer and wraparound shades, but that don’t mean we ain’t got no brains.”



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2 Responses to “The Sophistication Of NASCAR Revealed” Subscribe

  1. nesagwa February 22, 2007 at 12:15 am #

    Not even a mention of Harvicks win?

    NASCAR String Theory rules.

  2. admin February 22, 2007 at 1:45 am #

    The story was actually written a week before the race so it would be in our print issue by race day. I was so drunk and “pyschologialically displaced” by the end of the race I didn’t remember who won. All I recall was a massive crash on the final lap…which was worth the watch.

    Thanks for reminding me ;^)


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