The Amazing State Of The Union


Ah, January. Those sweltering Florida nights, those cool North Eastern ice storms, and those mild Illinois Winters – weather as weird and nonsensical as the political climate, and by no means less dangerous.

Liberals everywhere are sharpening their pointy teeth of retribution, and casting their bone-dice of hatred into juju bags of spite and malice (as usual), only now they do it with the fervor of rabid tunnel rats, mad with power. How should we, as sane, thinking, conservatives keep our heads as we are faced with madmen running our senate and the house?

When times seem darkest, that is the time for great leadership. And synonymous with great leadership is George W. Bush. And, boy, did he show that more than ever at Wednesday’s State of the Union address.

He entered wearing a pale blue tie, gleaming like his smile, to the cheers of his adoring fellow Republicans and the insincere applause of those media whoring, two-faced Democrat devils. Many of these same disingenuous bastards who where shaking his great hand on television were back on TV later that same night talking about how the President’s approval rating is the lowest ever. These sanctimonious progressive pansies turn my stomach. Not only are they two-faced, backstabbing bastards, but their lying tongues should be cut out as well – Nixon at one time had an approval rating of 25%, three whole points lower than Bush’s – so there! These people make me want to murder hamsters.

His speech was inspiring. His tone was soothing and rousing. His generosity of spirit overflowed and he was even white enough to shake Nancy Pelosi’s hand, whereas I would have punched her in the face. A true Christian, he congratulated the Democrat majority, but I remind you that a majority is what is “common” – what we need is the spectacular.

On the domestic front, the President spoke about balancing the federal budget, something this do-nothing Democrat congress has not been able to do. He spoke about the sad state of the school system, and how government should do all they can to help failing schools, but how they must also allow good students at bad schools to have the choice of leaving and go to a good school. This will make the bad kids left at the bad school realize the error of their ways and work harder to become good kids in good schools.

He talked about healthcare reform and how to make healthcare accessible to all Americans, a cornerstone of the Republican agenda, and he laid out what I consider to be the most revolutionary and brilliant idea for healthcare reform ever presented: tax cuts. Tax cuts are like duct tape – they will fix almost anything! The plan will give those who have health care a tax deduction so they can buy more health care. This plan will greatly benefit those who are too poor to pay taxes as the second they pull themselves up by their bootstraps, they will be enjoying tax savings!

Unfortunately, with limited time and a busy schedule, President Bush didn’t have enough time to squeeze an update on Katrina and all the successes of the cleanup and rehabilitation of New Orleans’ city and people.

Instead, he spoke about some real American heroes, like Congo born Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo, who turned down a Georgetown medical scholarship in order to pursue the higher moral calling of being a center in the NBA.

He also brought up America’s increasing dependence on foreign oil, which has increase by 10% in the last year. This increase has been out of the control of the President, and is probably due to Arab loving Democrats and other unpatriotic communists.

He mentioned climate change, not to be confused with that myth “global warming”. Global warming would be something that we are responsible for, and everybody knows that taking responsibility is for pussies. What we are experiencing is just a sudden increase in the Earth’s temperature, which just coincidentally coincides with our increase in methane producing, cow eating, and fossil fuel usage. Climate change is simply change, and everyone knows that change is good.

Although Bush’s domestic policies are visionary, it’s his foreign policy that paints him as a luminary. A great listener, mediator, and man of the people, the President is always open to the advice of others. When the American people voted in treacherous numbers in the last election, it was seen as a signal that they were unhappy with the situation in Iraq. The cries of the people did not go unheard. In his State of the Union speech, President Bush explained his leaving behind of the “stay the course” and the move to his new strategy of “give it a chance”.

This new strategy takes all of the successful elements of the previous tactics and improves upon the idea. This will include a dramatic “augmentation” in troop levels with an increase of 20,000 of America’s bravest and strongest. If that isn’t enough to alter the course of a battle, I don’t know what is.

The president also explained how the failures in Iraq are not all our fault. Iraq itself is mostly to blame. They should never have let a foreign intelligence agency install a dictator in the first place. They also should have proven to weapons inspectors that they didn’t have any weapons of mass destruction, rather than lie and make us look like idiots. On top of all that, they should not be fighting Americans or each other. It’s also Iran’s fault! We all know what happens to countries that are named in the President’s State of the Union speeches… watch out Iran.

In order to deal with the difficult problem of Iraq, the President says he will create a special body of men and women from both parties to investigate and advise him on the issue. Even though it could be said that this has been tried before with other groups like the US Congress and the Baker-Hamilton Commission, they have never really given any firm suggestions or useful recommendations, so President Bush will once again take the lead in creating the right opinion for the right decision.

I, for one, cannot wait to see how our great and fearless leader will take us forward into the next decade of American greatness. Let his speech be a warning to all those who would undermine God’s United States: that’s aimed at you Iran, North Korea, Venezuela and California – watch out.

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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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