NFL Conspiracies Run Rampant


This story was received at Lush For Life Headquarters via wire transfer on the morning of Sunday, January 21 from senior staff writer Danny Albertson.  Mr. Albertson has not been seen for several weeks and has decided to enter into hiding.  In fear for the safety of himself and others, Mr. Albertson’s location will remain unknown as he continues to investigate the National Football League.  All of these transmissions are unedited and remain intact to ensure utmost journalistic integrity.

– Egbert Sousè, Editor in Chief

The desire to write this piece arose earlier this month, inspired by a pair of weathered, Spanish-speaking prostitutes while I was enjoying a leave of absence down in Tijuana, Mexico.  The three of us spent several days together, discussing the bizarre state of the NFL, while bouncing between stints of Tijuana Pure booger sugar and an unlimited supply of bad agave tequila that one of the girl’s relatives distilled in their basement.  I told them my story, as I’ve told many times, and they recommended that I organize the facts and get this story on the record before anything possibly happened to me.  These Mexican hookers can be quite perceptive, I suppose…

Working in my office at headquarters, as well as working at home, has both become insecure and unsafe environments for me to conduct my day-to-day investigative grind.  It was brought to my attention several months ago by an anonymous NFL informant that my home had been bugged, and there was a good chance the office, my car, and every other place I commonly frequent were also compromised due to the league’s growing paranoia surrounding me and my ideas.

Having a fair, level playing field in the NFL is an old, far-gone ideal that hasn’t existed since the glory days of Montana’s 49ers and the rebirth of America’s Team along with that god-awful Texan slur of “How ‘bout them Cowboys?!”  Ever since the integration of the salary cap – a tool the league uses to regulate talent disbursement – the NFL has interfered with the assumed fair game play to ensure the team they wish to win the Super Bowl is victorious, not the presumed best team. One former general manager of an NFL squad offered, “If talent is equal from team to team, then a small nudge will push their preferred victor towards hoisting the Lombardi Trophy,” the source said.  He later added, “This is why I got out of the game.  It didn’t matter how good of a team I built; winning wasn’t decided by players and coaches on the field, but by rich owners and executives at a conference table.”

The key, and repetitive theme in the continuing NFL conspiracy, is the desire for the league to develop a heart-warming storyline to complement a specific team’s rise to greatness.  The league will always choose whichever team proposes the most touching story, presumably to ensure a high level of dramatic quality to the game so they can raise ticket prices, prices of merchandise, and viewer ratings.

This underlying conspiracy began to show itself during the 1999 season, according to former Pittsburgh Steeler and Hall of Famer Joe Greene.  “That season was a changing of the guard in the NFL,” Greene said to Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks.  Green went on, “The league saw future Hall of Famers Marino and recent Super Bowl winner John Elway both enter retirement, and Steve Young following closely behind – while the ‘99 draft featured quarterbacks Daunte Culpepper and Donovan McNabb – the new breed of quarterback in the league.  Without proven, lucrative stars to fall back on, the league didn’t know where to turn.”

With the historical slate of talent wiped clean, the league decided to build an offensive powerhouse, with a heart-warming story of its own by the name of Kurt Warner, according to former coach Dick Vermeil.  “I was approached following Trent’s [Green] injury in the preseason,” Vermeil said to Arthur Rocks.  “We knew we were good, but I was surprised when the league said they decided we would win, and on Kurt’s shoulders, no less.”

According to former Tampa Bay Buccaneers General Manager Rich McKay, the league “saw Warner as a check that was waiting to be cashed, and an unsuspecting, gullible public yearning for an underdog story.  So cliché if you ask me…” McKay said.

The following year saw the league lean in a completely opposite direction – with an obvious attention to defense with the Baltimore Ravens winning the Super Bowl.  Presumably, to this reporter, the desire for the league to see a defense dominate in 2000 was made to contrast the previous year, as well as to keep mixing up their choices so men like myself are less likely to be on to them.

“After the Ravens, I thought I had seen it all,” Rich McKay said, who now acts as the chairman of the NFL Competition Committee.  “It makes you wonder who comes up with these storylines.”

Following an offensive and defensive campaign, the 2001 conspiracy developed following the week of the September 11th attacks in New York.  The NFL ceased game play that week, constructing their plan.  The decision was made to take an 0-2 New England Patriots team, with a terrible Drew Bledsoe on the bench, and turn them into champions.  Gene Upshaw, head of the NFL Players Association, said, “This team contained all the ingredients: both an underdog, unknown, marketable quarterback in Tom Brady, and a team that embodies freedom in America.”  Just the right mix of heart-warming crap the conspirators knew the public would eat up in wake of September 11.

In the following seasons, we’ve witnessed the league develop a multitude of possible story lines they could turn into sensational dramatic rollercoasters of bullshit.  It was unclear to me why the league decided to allow Manning and the underachieving Tony Dungy and his Colts another stab at defeating the Patriots, rather than allowing the San Diego Chargers and historical choker and underachiever himself Marty Schottenheimer finally overcome the cloud of playoff demise and win a Super Bowl.

It became clear, however, following The Chicago Bears victory over the beloved New Orleans Saints, that the league needs to ensure a black head coach win the Super Bowl – so both the Bears and the Colts needed to emerge victorious.  My theory is that a series of overlapping statistical studies with changing variables was implemented into both circumstances, and the league determined that a victorious black coach would be more desirable than either a New Orleans “overcoming-all-obstacles” angle or a “Schotty” title game.

More on this topic in my next story… It’s time for me to relocate again.  Staying in one place for more than a few hours is not safe behavior for me at this point in my investigation.  I’ll remain in undisclosed locations until my next story is published and the Super Bowl is over.

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2 Responses to “NFL Conspiracies Run Rampant” Subscribe

  1. nesagwa February 17, 2007 at 5:54 am #

    I got fired today.

    Rock on.

  2. Egbert Sousé February 19, 2007 at 9:48 pm #

    Maybe you should work for a company that appreciates you…

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