Near-disaster Results In Medical Triumph

A near-disaster in Tampa’s medical community has ended happily.

Several months ago, Tampa Bay nearly lost one of its orthopedic specialists. Dr. J. C. Marcus Asgard III, was having a slightly heated discussion with his wife one morning, when she uttered the fatal words, “Marcus, you’re not God, you know!”

Dr. Asgard was so badly affected by this brutal attack that his eyes glazed over, he swayed, and then collapsed. When his wife could not find his pulse, she dialed 911. Luckily, an ambulance reach the house in record time, and paramedics were able to save the doctor.

Dr. Asgard spent several days in Intensive Care, wrapped in a white medical coat, draped with stethoscopes and surrounded by photographs of his graduation from medical school.

As soon as he was in a stable condition, he was moved to a luxuriously decorated private ward where the anxious staff employed new 108-inch Sony flat screens to play continuous episodes of “House”, and of his graduation from Yale School of Medicine. He was encouraged to keep his visitors waiting for at least an hour before seeing him, and to snap impatiently at family, nurses, and other staff.

He gradually recovered under a strict regimen of being reminded repeatedly that he was a doctor, and not subject to the same rules as the rest of the human race.

Mrs. Asgard received intensive counseling to prevent her making the same horrifying mistake again. Dr. Asgard’s staff cancelled all patients for several weeks, and a friendly pharmaceutical company booked him a two-week golfing holiday in the Bahamas so that he could regain his strength.

On the advice of his consulting physician, he played each set of 18 holes in custom-designed shirts embellished with patterns of caducei.

Like most doctors, Dr. Asgard is not interested in money, but while on his vacation, he had a fearsome thought: What if the experience recurred?He decided to take steps to protect his colleagues from similar experiences. The result is the IAAD wristband, similar to the Livestrong and WWJD wristbands used to motivate others in need of reassurance.

These are now available in white gold, white autoclavable polymer, and sterling silver. The outside is inscribed elegantly with the letters IAAD, and the inside script reads: “I am a doctor”, and can be personalized with the wearer’s name, in a choice of stylish fonts.

This is now associated with the IAAD investment portfolio, which focuses on healthcare and pharmaceutical stocks. The fund manager, Wendell Ottiry, noted that Starbucks pays more for healthcare than it does for coffee beans, while General Motors pays more for healthcare than it does for the steel in each car it makes, so his job is “not particularly difficult”.

Dr. Asgard briefly considered leaving medicine to manage his successful new ventures, but his eyes suddenly lost focus, and he felt faint again. He immediately employed a relative to take the position (an MBA, regarded as a failure in his family, as she was not able to become a doctor) and he has returned to the practice of medicine.

Dr. Asgard is accepting new patients and accepts all insurance providers featured in the IAAD portfolio, as well as Visa, MasterCard, and American Express credit cards. He does not keep patients waiting more than 90-120 minutes, and is occasional even minimally polite to them. For an appointment, contact 800-JCA-IAAD.

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