Local Homeless Put Out in Intergalactic Buyout

ST. PETERSBURG – Over one hundred fifty homeless people were evicted from their tents, Wednesday, after repeated chances to leave were ignored by the smelly group of drunken bums.
Tent City, as it came to be known, was home to these vagabonds, until intergalactic real estate mogul Lando Calrissian arranged a buyout of the four-acre lot.
Calrissian, of Bespin, had staked the lot six months earlier and began negotiations to buy the land from the adjacent hamburger stand, who had been using the land as a disposal area for the greasy runoff of their unwashed frying pans.
Once the deed to the $3.5 million piece of land was handed over, Calrissian revealed his plans to open a new hotel under his flagship brand of Cloud City resorts.
The displaced homeless, however, are not very thrilled.
“I done been living here for going on three months, now, and all of a sudden, some uppity intergalactic slum lord bops in here and tries to tell me to get out? I don’t think so,” remarked Leroy Trower, a transient hobo originally from Spokane. “I worked hard for my place in the sun.”
When asked how he worked hard, being homeless and all, Trower declined comment.
These bums aren’t all anonymous no-names, however. In the large mass of nameless, dirty faces, one man sticks out in the crowd.
“Yeah, you know, I didn’t wanna come here, but I got nowhere else to go,” said former one-man killing-machine John Rambo. “I did my job to the best of my abilities, but I wasn’t able to nab Osama, so the government, they told me they didn’t need me anymore.”
Rambo had been living in Tent City for more than eight months before the mass eviction, and was one of the only transients to put up any kind of resistance.
Sergeant Phil Carnegie, of the St. Petersburg Police Department, spoke of Rambo’s resistance from a bed at St. Petersburg Memorial Hospital. “We went to Tent City in the middle of the night and began slashing tents left and right, with little resistance from the bums,” Carnegie remarked. “Until we got to Rambo’s. That’s when the shit hit the fan.”
According to police reports, Rambo was able to break fourteen necks, seven legs, and a police radio before he was eventually tazered and then restrained.
“Hey, Lando, I’m coming for you, next,” Rambo said from his holding cell.
Calrissian is still going forward with his plans for the resort, and the ground-breaking ceremony is schedule for next Tuesday, marking the 27th anniversary of his betrayal of the rebel forces when he sold out his longtime friend Han Solo to the Empire to secure a loan to open his first intergalactic casino on Tattooine.
“Dantooine was my first choice,” Calrissian said in a telephone interview, “but when it was blown up, Tattooine seemed as good of a choice as anywhere. It has that Vegas desert feel, as long as you don’t mind kicking up to the Hutts.”
When asked how he felt about Rambo’s threats, Calrissian shrugged it off with his characteristic charm.
“Rambo? I’m not worried about Rambo. This resort will open on time and to great reviews, and will be very, very successful. He can’t possibly hold me back.”
As for the other residents evicted from Tent City, most of them will just go back to where they came from, which is mostly under interstate bypasses and badly secured mental institutions.
The new Tent City Resort and Spa is scheduled to be completed by May 25th, 2009.