Dear Dr. Belvedere

Dear Dr. Belvedere, 

I am nineteen years old and an aspiring model. Anna Nicole Smith has always been my idol and I am trying to follow in her footsteps. Do you have any advice on how I can go about my career and goals?

–Alana Nichole Smythe

Dear Ms. Smythe,

Being a doctor, I have many corrupt colleagues that would be willing to give you your drugs of choice. That is the first step in following the footsteps of such a money grubbing, junkie. I also personally know some great fad diets and remedies to get your weight fluctuation on a grand scale. 

Next, find an old geezer with money. When out at a bar or social outing, listen in on conversations for the following key words: real estate, investments, and pimp. Watch what they are drinking (make sure it’s expensive and hard to pronounce), notice the watch they are wearing, and look for someone with a hungry desperation for young, fresh meat (also if they order veal, that’s a sign). Stay clear of doctors and lawyers, as they are familiar with gold digging nut bags such as you. 

The rest is simple – get unbearably strung out, pop out a few kids in twenty-year intervals, strip, and pose nude (I hear Hooter’s pays for breast implants – look into it). Try things like heroin and Oxycontin. Obtain some saggy skin, on yourself as well as in the bedroom. 

Remember to excessively expose yourself in public while inebriated. Practice slurring your words to the point of indecipherable utters. And of course, try to become a poster child for the likes of a big drug company. Smile a lot, too, like the asshole you will be. 

And please, if you ever get on an awards show of any kind, remember NOT to thank me and please leave my name out at all costs. Thank you. 

Dear Dr. Belvedere, 

I grew up in Washington, DC, graduated from the Naval Academy, and I consider myself highly educated.  I recently broke up with my boyfriend of three years. I met him on MySpace through the group “Space Cadets”.  He was an astronaut, as am I, and he left me for some other government worker with better health benefits. He left me shortly after I went on a trip to the moon, and despite the fact that my friends say that I am spacey, I think I am still in love with him. I’ve decided to get back at him by kidnapping his new girlfriend and making her do absurd acts that would demoralize her very being. I robbed a thrift store in Texas and have a plastic tube, a stick, a box of diapers, a plastic mannequin arm, and a pellet gun. What can I do to get back at her?

–Heart-broken in Houston

Dear Heart-broken, 

I can completely relate to the brink of insanity on which you are teetering. I, too, have suffered innumerable offenses from the opposite sex, and I have devised the remedy for getting back at them using a few simple steps.

Disguise yourself so that no one will recognize your face. Proceed to drive into the vicinity of wherever that wretched bitch is and repeat the following quote in your head: “Make no mistake – I will hunt down and punish those responsible for my pain.” 

Now what to do with the tube and diapers… If you are really adventurous, I would shove the tube up her rectum and force her to defecate through it. After this has taken place, make her eat, write, or make art with her own feces (body paint is fun, too).  As for the pellet gun and stick, get creative, honey, because you’ll need to think of something to create headlines in the papers. 

When the authorities ask you why you did what you did, let them know it was a mix of being brainwashed by the government and George Bush’s speeches on terrorism. Instead of seeing her face, you were seeing Osama bin Laden’s, which led you to such a destructive action. You could always say that oxygen escaped your brain too quickly and you hallucinated a Heaven’s Gate cult member dressed in purple robes and advised you to do his will. 

Most importantly, I would use that plastic arm of yours to slap the shit out of yourself. You deserve it my frien

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