All this stuff about the Oscars makes me depressed. I feel like a dog watching people who look that good, but my friends love this stuff. Then they still watch the programs where the bitch-face commentators inspect everyone on the red carpet, and rip them to shreds for months afterwards.

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Dear Gl-Ass Half Empty

You need these friends. There is clearly not enough bitch in you. How are you going to survive in the big bad world? Continue Reading

In a White House Press briefing Friday, Press Secretary Tony Snow released an overwhelming library of evidence that Iran might be supplying Iraqi Sunni Islamo-Fascists with the explosives they use to blow innocent American GIs to bits and pieces.

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George W. Bush is looking to his legacy and is not happy with the way it is being presented. 

The President is a simple kind of a guy, and doesn’t hold with a “Bush Doctrine” that has fancy concepts such as “Preemptive unilateral military action” from a base of “strength beyond challenge” to “extend democracy, liberty, and security to all regions of the world.” Continue Reading

Dear Dr. Belvedere, 

I am nineteen years old and an aspiring model. Anna Nicole Smith has always been my idol and I am trying to follow in her footsteps. Do you have any advice on how I can go about my career and goals?

–Alana Nichole Smythe

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DAYTONA, FL – As the inaugural race of the upcoming NASCAR season looms, critics of the widely popular “sport” have begun to fade, as startling facts regarding the truly sophisticated nature of the presumably simplistic ongoing series of left turns come to light. Continue Reading

This story was received at Lush For Life Headquarters via wire transfer on the morning of Sunday, January 21 from senior staff writer Danny Albertson.  Mr. Albertson has not been seen for several weeks and has decided to enter into hiding.  In fear for the safety of himself and others, Mr. Albertson’s location will remain unknown as he continues to investigate the National Football League.  All of these transmissions are unedited and remain intact to ensure utmost journalistic integrity.

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Ah, January. Those sweltering Florida nights, those cool North Eastern ice storms, and those mild Illinois Winters – weather as weird and nonsensical as the political climate, and by no means less dangerous.

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A near-disaster in Tampa’s medical community has ended happily.

Several months ago, Tampa Bay nearly lost one of its orthopedic specialists. Dr. J. C. Marcus Asgard III, was having a slightly heated discussion with his wife one morning, when she uttered the fatal words, “Marcus, you’re not God, you know!”

Dr. Asgard was so badly affected by this brutal attack that his eyes glazed over, he swayed, and then collapsed. When his wife could not find his pulse, she dialed 911. Luckily, an ambulance reach the house in record time, and paramedics were able to save the doctor. Continue Reading

HOLLYWOOD – With all of the anticipation and speculation surrounding this year’s running of the 79^th annual Academy Awards, moviegoers and Hollywood celebrities alike are so perplexed they’ve forgotten their daily rations of wheat grass and Botox in record numbers. The dolls and darlings of the Hollywood world all seem to have an opinion on the awards, each one with their own blend of classic Hollywood stupidity.

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ST. PETERSBURG – Over one hundred fifty homeless people were evicted from their tents, Wednesday, after repeated chances to leave were ignored by the smelly group of drunken bums.
Tent City, as it came to be known, was home to these vagabonds, until intergalactic real estate mogul Lando Calrissian arranged a buyout of the four-acre lot. Continue Reading