Quest for Reverse Fountain Of Youth Fails


CRYSTAL RIVER, FL – Two teenagers put on eye make-up, but still look like jailbait, acquaintances say.

Hilary Sbarc and Veronica Dexter, referred to by their classmates as best friends forever, or BFF, invested in twenty-two dollars worth of eye-makeup last Thursday, in hopes of looking older and attracting older guys they meet at the mall.

“I totally got the idea for it from CosmoGIRL!, or maybe it was Seventeen, or Teen People, or something like that,” Sbarc said, referring to the thick coat of sparkly black eye shadow spread across her eyelids.

“It was an article called ‘Get ROCKSTAR eyes’, and I was, like, ‘I totally want ROCKSTAR eyes,’ because rock stars are totally sexy and so thoughtful and worldly and stuff. Like Bono – he touches people with AIDS. I would never do that!”

Sbarc, who is sixteen, clarified that she “really feels more like eighteen – at least”. According to Sbarc, Dexter had originally planned on seeing Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj with some friends that afternoon, but changed her plans, citing that “they [her friends] were being totally gay”. Dexter then agreed to go to the mall to try free samples of eye makeup at the cosmetics counters and hit on the “really cute guy, Drake. Or is it Dax, or Danny?” at the Häagen-Dazs kiosk.

“I was like, totally, like, for the, like, idea,” Dexter explained.

“I was like, we look, like, so young and stuff; we’re never going to meet cool guys, because, like, guys our age are so un-cool, and whenever we meet cool guys that are, like, twenty, they’re, like, totally weirded out and stuff, which is weird because we’re, like, so much more mature than other people our age.”

Sbarc admits that it was Dexter who recognized the theatrical possibilities of eye-makeup – specifically that it could make them look older than mid-teen.

“I mean, what kind of, like, fifteen or sixteen-year-old has, like, black or smoky gray eyelids? Like, Ashlee Simpson, or like that Olsen twin, not the anorexic one but the other one, the one that, like, did coke and stuff, or is that the same twin?”

Drake Miller, a nineteen-year-old student at Valencia Community College, saw Sbarc and Dexter immediately after their self-described “transformation”. He says he wasn’t impressed, or convinced that they were older.

“I mean, it kind of looked ridiculous; like they’d been the butt of a joke, you know, that prank where a wise guy puts black grease on a telescope, or on a pair of binoculars? That’s what I immediately thought of.”

Miller also said that Sbarc and Dexter still looked quite young, owing to their dress and overall giddiness.

“Well, first of all, the fact that they’re both wearing pink, high-top Chucks is a dead giveaway that they’re at that pseudo-rebellious stage – so about mid-teen. You know, Chucks because they want to be part of MTV’s latest ‘badass’ subculture, but pink because they’re air-headed and coquettish”.

“Also, they play stupid games, like, switch names and then keep up the joke really poorly, so that I wind up saying, ‘Hilary’ and they both answer, and laugh obnoxiously”

Miller said he’s used to their type, though, owing to general mall demographics.

Sbarc and Dexter said they weren’t discouraged by Miller’s rebuff, and that they plan on attending a “really hardcore” concert next weekend to see if their cosmetic techniques were, in fact, successful.

“Yeah, I totally hear that if you, like, flirt with like a like member of a, like, band, you can like totally get, like, a free shirt,” Dexter said. “Yeah, a shirt with, like, skulls on it, or something else that’s, like, really hardcore.”

“Or, I know,” Sbarc interjected, enthusiastically. “A hoodie, or something, with a heart that’s split in half, kind of jaggedly, but then, you know, the heart is decorated with flames, or ivy, or maybe even a snake. Still, it’s really hardcore and rock star and stuff!”

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  1. Duncan Idaho January 20, 2007 at 1:30 pm #

    Brilliant! 🙂

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