Lotts of Washington Action

WASHINGTON – Workaholism continues to be in style in Washington as Nancy Pelosi’s Democrats go all out to prove that they are do-something legislators.

Lush For Life could not get an interview with Pelosi this week, but Minority Whip Republican Trent Lott had time to talk to us.

Lush For Life: The Dems are very busy around here, Congressman, but it seems that the Republicans in the House are stepping up the pace, too. Can you tell us your plans to increase the House’s productivity?

Trent Lott: Well, there was a lot of whining about the 109th Congress, and how we didn’t do enough. So we have to do more.

L4L: 383 pieces of legislation were signed into law during the two-year 109th Congress, and more than twenty-five percent of those involved naming post offices.

TL: Yes, eighty-nine post offices received very good names during the 109th Congress. This is an example of an area where we can do a lot more. Always grow through your strengths. I say. There are many more post offices that need names, and there is no reason to stop at post offices.

L4L: It costs $2,300,000 a year to run Congress per Senator, and we have one-hundred of those, and $836,000 per year for each of our 435 House members. Double that for a two-year period and you get hmmmmm…. I make that $532,732,000…

TL: Yes – and add in the cost of elections. Even when you subtract the cost of negative advertising, that’s one heck of a price. It’s more than the Iraq war has cost so far. The American voter wants value for all that cash!

L4L: So what else needs naming by Congress?

TL: Lots of things need names – various wars on things, military operations, streets, and American exports – like computer games. And citizens. People have no imagination. In 2006, 100,000 Americans named their kids Jacob, Emily, Michael, or Emma. There were 15,492 Ethans registered. Sounds like some kind of gas! Whaddah they feed the kids? Beans?

[There was a long pause until the Congressman could speak again, as he became breathless after laughing at his joke.]

L4L: Do you think Congress could settle name disputes? My girlfriend and I can’t decide what to name our cat.

TL: Well, I’d have to think about that. I’ve got to make sure that we’re focused on the right principles and the right philosophy this time – the type that appeals to all the voters. I learned that with Strom Thurmond and the Conservative Citizens business. There’s no accounting for taste, and some people don’t like cats. We want the White House and Congress back in 2008.

L4L: Would it make a difference if we had a dog?

TL: Oh, then it would be okay. Do you watch Barney’s Christmas videos? God, that dog is cute!

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