What Would YOU Do For Money?

“Rupert Murdoch has decided that we won’t have to watch O.J. Simpson explaining how he might have murdered Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown. With television special, “”If I Did It””, dead, and the book deal ditto, Mr. Murdoch has actually apologized to O.J.’s victims’ families.

Mr. Murdoch also, surprisingly, told Lush For Life that he would not sell his grandmother, if he still had one. His soul, however, was apparently auctioned off long ago.

The Lush For Life Research Department swung into action. We put “”Survivor”” on one television and a particularly disgusting episode of “”Fear Factor”” (involving eating something you don’t even want to think about) streaming on a computer screen. We added a “”Girls Gone Wild”” DVD on the other TV. The environment was then suited to a debate about the age-old question of how low people will stoop for money, or 15 minutes of fame.

We reviewed the anecdote in which George Bernard Shaw (or was it Churchill?) is reputed to have discussed the issue with Lady Astor. It needs some updating, so we gave it a facelift.

Bill Clinton: Yo, Condi. If I give you a million bucks, will you give me a blowjob?

Condi Rice: Why yes, Bill, I do believe I will.

BC: And for five bucks? Will you put out for five?

CR: Bill! Are you calling me a ho?

BC: Listen, lady, we’ve already established that. Now we’re just establishing your price.

A few years ago, Bernice Kanner found that, while 63% of Americans surveyed would kiss a stranger for $200, 75% would kiss a frog for $50. Only 20% would fight a heavyweight boxer for $100,000, but 59% percent would shave their heads for $10,000. 24% of good Americans would betray a friend’s secret for $3,000.

Once a million bucks is on the table, 65% of us would live on a deserted island for a year; 30% would serve six months in jail for a crime we didn’t commit; 10% would lend out a spouse for the evening. Only 25% of US citizens (patriots that we are) would spy for a foreign power, regardless of price.

Time for some more research. What would an undergraduate do in exchange for an evening’s ownership of a limo with a fully stocked bar? 78% of undergraduates would attend a lecture in their pajamas, fall asleep, and snore loudly.

Big deal. 94% of faculty and TAs say their students do this anyway.

I already know that people kill, steal, marry, and have sex for money. They bare their souls on daytime TV, and sell their honor, their relatives and the family silver. However, if you Google ‘strange things you’ve been paid to do’, the depth of human stupidity is laid out like a buffet.

Amidst the pay-per-hour bondage slaves, and people making money out of licking tomato puree off other people’s armpits, I was most impressed with a story from British Gas. The hapless employee’s job was to open up two different databases and manually type the records from one into the other. He did point out that this could be done automatically, but was told “if it was possible, they would have done it already”.

Somehow, plain stupidity can be more annoying than an absence of moral standards.

Of course, Rupert Murdoch has recently displayed both, but at least he apologized.

Now someone should find the morons in British Gas, and get them to follow suit.



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