Surviving The War On Christmas

“Ahhh Christmas… [cough]… Ahhh the holidays. A time for joy, giving, and over the top political correctness. Filled with cheap, tacky lights, obnoxious Wal-Mart decorations, and those awkward moments in the office after you’ve wished someone a “”merry Christmas”” and then forgotten that they’re not one of the homogenized, beautiful, factory-processed Christians that make up a large number of our outstanding US population. The war on Christmas is simply out of control. Just yesterday in Oklahoma, a practicing Zen Buddhist strangled an over-weight and middle-aged, but well-intentioned office manager for being the fourteenth person that day to wish them a happy Christmas. How do you, as an upstanding member of the ideological clichÈ that is going to heaven, deal with these pagans? Well, here are some tips and ideas of making it through the continual desecration of our most holy of holidays:

First off, check the color of their skin. If they’re not white, there’s a good chance they lead a sinful existence. This is not definite, however. The tone of their skin is important, too. Lighter browns accompanied by a strange accent almost certainly clinch their burning in hellfire for all eternity, but a darker skin and a southern accent probably mean they just go to the wrong church.

Next, find out if the person to whom you are speaking is a pagan. Ask them politely if they have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Saviour. If they look uncomfortable, tell them you were only joking, but put a King James Bible in their desk drawer after they’ve left for the day to continue on with their evil lives.

Then bring up the issue of the war in Iraq. If they give you some pansy answer about how war is “”never the answer””, it guarantees they are lying, as they are certainly behind the war on Christmas. If they suggest the best exit strategy is to nuke the towel-heads back into the dark ages, get them a nice WWJD bracelet in silver for Secret Santa.

Finally, ask them what they did “”this time last year””, or what they “”normally do for vacation””. These Godless, secular questions won’t get you into trouble, but the answers should be telling. If their destinations have been anywhere other than in the continental United States, they’re a heretical, flagrant-anti-America who wants us to lose the War Against Terrorism, rapes babies, and eats at “”ethnic”” restaurants. Immediately witness to them and give them one of those little plastic-wrapped brochures about loving God that you carry around in your pocket at all times.

Following these strategies will, without fail, lead others around to a better life. So stock up on those little crucifixes you have from years of donations to CTN, those little, brightly colored WWJD bracelets, and those free, green pocket bibles they hand out at revivals and you’ll be all set and not a penny out of pocket (those tithes are coming up soon).

So from all of use here at Lush For Life, good luck and have a Blessed, Jesus-filled Holy Season, and a happy God-gifted New Year.

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