Santa Claus Arrested In Slavery Shocker


NORTH POLE – Shocking news of slavery and cruelty has come to light at the start of the festive season. Santa Claus has been arrested for crimes against Elves. The newly ratified laws on Elf, Pixie, and Fairy Rights became law late last week. Since that time, a team of lawyers who have been the long-term representatives of Santa’s Elves issued a list of crimes that they say have been committed by Santa over many years. The Lapland Police made the arrest yesterday, amid protests from children, who fear their stockings may go empty this year.

 

In a statement to the press, the Elves’ lawyer said, “This community of three hundred Elves has been working as slaves for a Mr. S. Claus for too long. Their working conditions would make a Pilipino Gap sweatshop worker tremble with fear. They have had to live in dank, dark, freezing cold underground caverns making toys around the clock. We have collected numerous accounts of Elf beatings and maltreatment. The fact that he is world famous and popular with all the kids in the world will in no way deter us from demanding the maximum sentence possible.”

 

The leader of the newly formed Elf Trade Union said today, “Our emancipation is at hand! We were once a proud people; we have become a down trodden underclass fit only to make toys for an old tyrant, whose image as ‘friend to all children’ has protected him in the past.

 

“Now that the tyranny of that old, fat drunkard is over, we will work hard to improve the working conditions of Elves everywhere.”

 

The State Prison in Lapland is not what you would call high tech, so I took the opportunity to interview Mr. Claus through the bars of his cell. At first he refused to talk to me but after I passed him a few mince pies and a bottle of mulled wine he began to open up a little.

 

“So Mr. Claus, what do you make of all this? Are you innocent?”

 

“Who ever heard of anything so ridiculous, Elves havin’ rites. It ain’t right. What is the world coming to?”

 

“Well Mr. Claus, they are sentient beings who some say are immortal.”

 

“Yes, it’s true. That’s why they make such good workers, being immortal and all. No growing old means no arthritis in their little hands, which means no drop in toy production. Imagine if I had to train up a new bunch of maggots each year to take over the ones that had died.”

 

“Really, Mr. Claus, your cold heartedness surprises me.”

 

“Bah Hum Bug! You are all a bunch of yellow-bellied Democrats aren’t ya? Don’t you know your history, boy, mmh? How do you think Rome was built? Not by Romans, that’s for sure! Who built the pyramids? Not the bloody pharaohs, I can tell ya. Slaves, boy, that’s who built the modern world. In fact, come to think of it, who made that jacket you’re wearing, or those jeans? Indentured slaves in India, that’s who. So don’t come round here all actin’ high an’ mighty with those part time morals of yours. Piss off the lot of ya!”

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